Thursday, August 17, 2006

You Know You’re Training For Ironman If….

Waking up at 6 am is sleeping in.

You find yourself browsing the bar section in the grocery store to 'see what else is out there.'
You develop some type of a condition and think to yourself “I’ve never had that before” at least once per week.

You make plans with your friends that start at 5:30 am on a Saturday.

Mealtime becomes “ice your _______ “ time.

The only thing that has gotten between your legs in the past week has been your bike seat.

Advice from your coach includes telling you to stand in your bathroom while pointing the blowdryer directly at your face to simulate Hawaii conditions.


You finally have a reason to eat dessert every night without regrets.

You have a growing list of post-workout foods that you are willing to work for.

Each load of the dishwasher contains at least 10 water bottles.

Your friend tells you how to make fried chicken with egg beaters and you won't hear a word of it because it won't have enough calories, salt, or fat.


Cold water has never tasted so good.


Before you make plans, you say “I have to check my schedule”, not your work schedule or family schedule, but your workout schedule.

You’ve out-eaten your husband for the past 2 months.


Lunch hour has become recovery run hour.

You haven’t peed clear in weeks.

There is a certain part of your body that hurts, that doesn’t usually hurt, like your left index finger, and somehow you know it has something to do with Ironman training.

You have switched from Advil to Tylenol 8 Hour.


You feel prouder than ever, even though you haven’t really done anything yet.

No sooner do you get the food down before you need to take a crap. No sooner do you crap before you’re ready to eat more food again.

It's so much fun to tell people that you're doing Ironman that you almost feel like you'll ruin it if you actually have to go and do the race.


On demand, you can rattle off the calorie, carbohydrate, and sodium content of most bars and gels.

On any given day, at least one part of your body is chafed to the point of scabbing.

Your tan lines are starting to look like a bad road map.

It used to take one cup of coffee to start your day. Now it takes four, about three times a day.

At least 20 percent of your diet is consumed in bar form.

You keep hearing a voice in your head and it is saying “_______(your name), you are an Ironman”.

You also keep hearing another voice in your head and it is saying “what were you thinking, what were you thinking.”

You wander the grocery store aisles looking for something to satiate your appetite at least 3 times per week and you eat that item before you get home.


You have become a one-drink date. When you do drink, you are likely shout something about Ironman in the middle of the street.

For some reason, you sense the race experience will be the least epic thing compared to everything you’ll do in preparation for the race.

Your husband has threatened divorce if he hears one more word about Ironman. As a result, you have elected a certain friend that you can only talk about Ironman with because they too are training for Ironman and have also been threatened with divorce.

You shop only where Gatorade is on sale. You share this information with your Ironman-only friend who acts like you've thrown them a pot of gold for sharing this information.

You have dreams about getting the runs on the run course.

You picture your Ironman date like the end of a prison sentence. For example, you begin talking about how life will be “after October 21st …”

Your fear your teeth will have a permanent tint from consuming large and consistent quantities of green, blue, and orange sports drink.

You feel fitter, but also fatter, than you’ve ever felt in your life.

You can’t remember miles 60 – 90 of the bike ride but you know you did them.

You fear your eyebrows are becoming furrowed and find yourself talking about Botox with your Ironman-only friend.

You have no desire to chew after mile 75.

Anything shorter than a 500 in the pool makes you feel like 'why bother'.

Your metabolism is running so fast, that pooping 3 – 4 times a day or workout becomes a way of life.

You ride 1 hour, which feels like 3, and then realize that you still have 5 hours to go which will probably feel like 15.

You take off 1 minute per mile when you run without your Fuel Belt.

You’ve ridden more miles than you’ve driven in the past week.

You wake up 3 pounds heavier than you went to bed as because you took so many salt tabs the day before.

Your coach has put a 7 hour and 15 minute workout on your schedule and even though you know it is sick and wrong, you look forward to it.

You feel that next to your wedding day, the day of the race will be the longest day of your life.

You can’t sleep at night because you are so jacked up from caffeine and sugar from the workout you probably just finished an hour earlier.

You have peed and crapped more in the woods in the past few weeks than you have in your own home.

You find yourself looking at small baggies and containers wondering if you could carry crackers, salt tabs, or bars in it.

You eat most of your meals standing up because you’ve gotten so used to sitting in your saddle only.

You are in search of the largest Bento box possible.

You find yourself sitting at work and after 20 minutes have gone by, you think to yourself that it’s time to eat ½ of a bar. Another 40 minutes later, you think it’s time to take a gel and then you realize that you are not sitting on your bike, you do not need to be doing your nutrition plan, but you do need to get back to work.

Running a 7:15 pace feels like you’re flying.

For fun, you weigh yourself with your Fuel Belt on and off, shorts on and off, helmet on and off.

The term "special needs" no longer refers to a group of special individuals but a bag that you might find at mile 56 of the bike.

If you find yourself feeling slow and having a bad workout, you think to yourself that it’s ok because you’re training for Ironman where you will only go slow.

Your feet are starting to look like the feet of a Hobbit.

You’ve transformed your sleek 18 pound bike into a 23 pound clunker when you add up all of the liquids, food, and stuff you need to haul.

You have nearly veered into oncoming traffic while trying to pull a salt tab out of a button baggie.

You think about Ironman incessantly. You drive to work and think "I am doing Ironman." You go to bed and think "I am doing Ironman." You wonder what you will think about after Ironman. Probably doing Ironman again?

You finally get what all the fuss is about because you’re having more fun than ever.

How do you know you're training for IM? Let me know and I'll add it to my list!


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

you know you are training for an ironman when your mom has to ask what those two pocket like pouches are on the front part of your dress are for!!!! ha ha!

meredoff

mira Mira said...

You are just too funny! You should be writing for some magazine and getting paid for this because it is that entertaining...and true!