Monday, October 30, 2006

Best of Kona 2006

Long before I was an Ironman, I was a Trousermouse and it has become tradition to write a Best Of list for major team events. And since 5 out of 6 of us in Hawaii were Trousermice, a best of list had to follow. So here it is, the best of Kona 2006, written in conjunction withTim Regan (click on Wizard's Sleeve to find my sassy blogging doppelganger in the male form). Enjoy!

Avoid at all costs - The Kona Keahole Airport between the hours of 11 am and 2 pm

Largest road grade descended – 21%

Fastest way for man to create fire – Brake on a 21% grade at ludicrous speed

Largest road grade walked up – 21%

Biggest jam – The kitchen sink after Liz tried to insinkerate 5 lbs of pasta

Most insulted – Chris & Tim when Liz says “I’d invite you guys up here if you didn’t look so gay” at Lava Java

Most spare change requested by beach bum – 1.5 million dollars

Most true Hawaiian fact – all Tikki’s are made in China

Best breakfast food – Lava Java

Most notable item not found on the Lava Java menu – Smoke and a pancake

Most notable deja-vu – The ABC store

Worst navigator – Meredith on her way to the airport

Best navigator – Garmin Street Pilot

The location of the “penalty box” – The back of the GMC Envoy


Number of times Tim was in the penalty box - Permanent resident

First team member to poop during competition - Liz


Most common opening of the jet-lagged “window” - 3:30 am

Number of times Liz's "window" opened during Ironman - Once

Dumbest idea ever – Ride a century through the lava fields of Kona

That'll come back and bite you in the ass - Tim, when saying before leaving for Kona century, "We'll be back in 4 hours or so."

Time (in seconds) the wind let up during the Kona to Hawi century - Zero

Mile marker for giving up hope for a timely return on the century – 80

Mile marker for giving up ALL hope for a timely return on the century – 85

Highest maximum-full-effort-speed between mile marker 80 & 85 – 12 mph

Most insulting comment made by team member after Chris & Tim called from mile marker 80 - Liz, "Who's your daddy now?"

Best sports drink consumed when being picked up at mile marker 85 – Coors Light

Best road sign seen on a volcanic island – “Prevent Forest Fires”

Most likely to be found sleeping on your lanai - Meredith

Best word to spell out in little white rocks in the lava fields on Kona to Hawi century – HELP

Most notable race comment to Liz – Midgets, they're everywhere

Best Ironman utility player – The wet sponge

Most noted wildlife species in an island tour guide – The feral cat

Stinkiest primate – Mini-Pickles

Best adornment of coconut hats - TIE - Mr. Pickles and Caffie

Person completely bone dry after heavy tropical rain – Bert

Most Confused – The italian guy who thought that Dit said “have sex with me in a hotel by the airport” instead of “take me to the airport”

Most reliable taxi fare to the Kona airport by an Italian – A handjob

Best display of cowboy boots on a tropical island - Meredith

Mile at which you find a new use for the wet sponge - 9 on the run

Best breakfast item after an Ironman - Cookie dough

Number of minutes it takes before you crap out cookie dough and other stomach contents - 20

Number of time Christina cracked a beer before 1 pm - About 20

Number of times Christina said "Jesus Christ" in repsonse to something that Tim said - about 1000

Thought you were getting there without your wrist getting sore but not quite - When Bert said "you ain't there yet."

Best fly by - When the Envoy drove down Alii Drive, with Chris hanging out of the window w/a Coors Light in hand, completely forgetting to pick up Liz

Best display of Hawaiian T & A - Bert's digital camera


Most likely to have been schooled in Squeaky's porn shed - Bert (did you see those photos?!?)

Best relayer of pertinent information from thousands of miles away - Marsh

Confused the Kona beach with the French Riviera - Christina, when she 'accidentally' went topless at the beach

Don't cry over spilled beer - Mini Pickles

Got a little pussy - The entire team, that darn feral cat that we couldn't shake

How the Polynesians built Hawaii - Using poi alone


Might have to cut him from the team for this one - Chris, he actually liked the poi

Best display of chowboxstraness - Meredith eating 3/4 of the Cheez-It's in one sitting

Things you don't want to hear after biking 112 miles in Ironman - "It was easy because you had a tailwind today"

Dirtiest place in Kona - The pool where they 'cleanse' the wet sponges

Most desperate plea - Jerome, "It's 1 o'clock at home and I haven't had my coffee!"

An appropriate way to touch Liz's ass - post IM, get behind her when she says "A little assist for the Ironman please"

Most likely to abuse the appropriat way to touch Liz's ass privilege - Bert

Best hot body watching - TIE - Lava Java or Bert's camera display

Most likely to disappear on the island and never come back - Bert

Best sign for Ironman - "Oh yeah, it's not Decorah hot"

Token hot chick - Connie

Best tourist t-shirt - Bert for buying Chris the fishing shirt that said "Kona Master Baiter"

Number of beers consumed by the Swenson/Reagan alliance - Too many to count

Needs to teach my hubsand a lesson or two - Jerome and his ability to shop til Jen drops

Biggest tool - The woman that boarded Chris' plane 3 days after the race still wearing her lei and medal

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laughs, Elizabeth!!! Classic. Jennifer