Last night I had the strangest dream.
I woke up this morning with images vivid in my head. Sometimes I have weird dreams if I eat ice cream before bed. I think all of the sugar zips around my bloodstream all night long and though I’m asleep there’s a sugar overload buzzing through my brain pulling files from all of the yesteryears and never be’s in my head.
But I didn’t have ice cream last night. So I’m not sure where this came from.
For the first part of my dream, I was at my in-laws house. They weren’t home, but I was there with Chris and Meredith (Chris' sister). And, you wouldn’t believe this – also with Anna Nicole Smith. Proof that if you sensationalize something all over the newspaper, radio, and television it will seep into our subconscious.
So there we were, Chris, Meredith, myself and Anna Nicole Smith. Totally normal Friday night. But there was also some man dressed in a suit, with slick hair, that looked like one of Megan’s (Chris' other sister) former employers that I met only once. Memories run deep, don’t they?
Anyways, this man was really into Anna Nicole. But my husband wasn’t – proof that he behaves even in my dreams. Oddly enough, the other guy was smearing this strange tub of lotion all over Anna Nicole’s legs.
Anna Nicole and the guy took their heavy petting upstairs. Strange, loud noises continued. Now, if I was Chris, I would call his part of the dream totally unfair. To be dreaming about erotica, but not involved? I would demand a dream back in return.
But it was my dream and lewd behavior had no business there. The loudness, the noise continued. I started getting angry. Because Chris wasn’t really doing anything. Because there were candles burning all over the house. And because for some reason Chris’ parents had taken all of my houseplants which were now displayed all over their house.
It doesn’t take much to piss me off in my dreams. Hey, it’s my dream.
Meredith was in the bathroom, sitting on the countertop. Not really doing anything, but not really disturbed by any of the noise either.
But I still was, so I went upstairs determined to get them to stop this noise. Or at least close the door. And I walk right up to the door and realize they have left the blinds open. And I think to myself that Chris’ dad will be very angry when he pulls into the driveway and sees that.
In retrospect – I rescind that statement. Think about it – Anna Nicole is in your spare bedroom with the blinds open. And the man gets angry? Please.
I realize this is a hopeless situation so I start to walk away. And then I realize my Power Bar water bottle is sitting in the hallway. This dream powered by Power Bar, thank you for your sponsored support.
I come downstairs but the noise still didn’t stop. Meredith is still in the bathroom. And candles are burning everywhere. There are too many candles and they are making me uncomfortable. I start blowing them out. I even find one inside of Anna Nicole’s purse. I blow that out too but not before realizing that that strange lotion the guy was putting on her legs was actually “lose weight fast” lotion.
Now that’s hilarious.
I start yelling about the noise. Chris stands there quietly. Why isn’t he saying anything? Chris is not acting like himself. In real life, he would have done one of two things, (1) walked away to let me have my fit, or (2) told me to ZIP IT.
I get so mad that I finally tell Chris we are leaving. And we’re leaving with at least one of my plants. I take the giant potted pythos and the table that it is resting upon. Chris crams it in the back of our car. Such an obedient man in my dreams, not the sassy doppelganger of himself that I seem to live with in real life. Ha ha ha.
Holy crap, in my dreams he is literally the man of my dreams. How ironic.
We see Megan walking up the driveway with a bunch of McDonald’s bags and drinks. I wonder though what’s in the bags and decide it is those little bags of hash browns.
What the hell are hash browns doing in my dreams? I don't even like potatoes.
We pull out of the driveway and driving away Chris says that he can’t believe Keith drives such a big gas guzzler. I look in the rear view mirror and see someone driving a very large pick-up truck behind us. It’s Keith, our good friend, old massage therapist now turned naturopathic doctor in Seattle.
Looking back on this dream, trying to put together the images and what they represent, this dream makes complete sense to me. Of course, the whole thing could just be a bunch of random images and ideas from my day. But I’d like to think our brains are more sophisticated than that. Sometimes we search all day long, for weeks, months, for signs and answers when really the right answer was right within our own head.
But wait - that was just the first part of the dream. End part one of dream, enter part two.
I am pregnant – in my dream, silly! I am ready to give birth and I am so excited. I know, I’ve got a lot to learn. I am in the hospital room, pushing and pushing – it is so painless. Again, that comment will bite me in the belly one day. Finally I have given birth and I am tired. Chris is smiling. I ask the doctor to see the baby and they reveal something – I ask if it’s a boy or a girl and they say it’s a boy. I finally get to hold it, and for some reason, in my dream, I accept no-questions-asked the fact that I am holding something that is a hybrid between a baby boy and a small spotted pooch – just like my mother’s Dalmatian.
It gets better. I notice it has blue eyes– not only does the baby have blue eyes and looks like a small black and white-spotted dog but I think to myself “I think it has Asian eyes just like my husband.”
I have just given birth to a man-morphed-dog and I’m looking at the eyes?
I don’t know what all of this means, I won’t even try to guess. I'm just glad I didn't eat ice cream before bed because I would not want to see how much more wacked out this dream could have gotten.
One thing is certain - I better start getting more sleep.