Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Passing The Bar

With so many new visitors to my site, I wanted to say welcome - enjoy your look around. But be advised – if you spend too much time you just might find you like it. And you might just keep coming back. Ask my husband. At first he didn’t like me much. Thought I was a pest. 7 years later, he can’t shake me off.

Anyways, I’m flattered that so many of you are letting me share pieces of my life and mind every day. But be warned – this is not a site for everyone. It’s mostly a site for athletes. And people I consider my friends. If you don’t fall into one of those categories, you might just be wasting your time.

Let’s say you found a book. And it’s written in Greek. But you don’t understand Greek. To pick up that book everyday would be a waste of your time. Now consider this site. You could come here every day but unless you’re involved in athletics, or my life, most of what I say won’t make much sense.

So I thought I would help you. Give you a screening tool, if you will. Kind of like passing the bar. If you pass my test, then you can stay. If not, you best spend your time elsewhere.

Listed below, you’ll find a test covering common tri-related experiences and terms. Choose the best answer. And no looking at your neighbor's paper. Test books open, timer on, let's begin....

The word bonk refers to:

a) Something you might get upside your head.
b) Another word for nook-nook.
c) The point of physical and mental breakdown in which you might find yourself laying on the side of the road telling your wife you need to take a short nap.

"ATP" is:

a) The major source of energy currency in a cell.
b) A place where you’ll find Pocahantas.
c) Something you might hear from under a stall in a moment of GI distress, as in “ay, tp needed in here.”

How does one get to the Hurt Shoppe:

a) By pushing the last minute of a set of 3 x 5 minute time trial intervals above threshold.
b) Attacking up a hill on the fifth day of Ragbrai.
c) By sliding out on a corner during rush hour traffic.

What is a Power Tap:

a) Something in a bar that pours out beer really, really fast.
b) The little yellow bitch computer in front of your face during a ride telling you to go harder, faster, stronger.
c) A swift kick in the ass.

A significant source of fuel during Ironman is:

a) Cheez-It’s.
b) Being called a midget at mile 22 of the run.
c) Seeing your husband at mile 105 of the bike.

A bar is:

a) Something you might hop on a Friday night.
b) Something you need to pass on way to becoming a lawyer.
c) Something you might buy by the caseload during an Ironman Friday night.

When faced with a cup of coffee or a cute guy, Liz would:

a) Ogle the guy for a few minutes in line.
b) Ask for decaf instead.
c) Take the coffee and run.

When Driving Miss Daisy, it is best to:

a) Avoid grocery stores.
b) Avoid driving down what appears to be one-way streets.
c) Bring ear plugs.

If someone pulls upside you while riding and informs you that bikes belong on sidewalks and not the road, the correct response would be:

a) Thank them kindly for the useful information.
b) Flip them the bird.
c) Inform them that there are fat farms where they belong.

A chammy is:

a) Something you use to wash your car.
b) Something you smear in butter.
c) The only thing that will get close to your treasures if training for IM.

Lactate threshold is:

a) The point at which KE can no longer feed baby Sydney.
b) The feeling in your stomach when you’ve eaten too much ice cream.
c) Something to flirt with if you want to get fast.

Chicken legs refers to:

a) Something you might eat for dinner.
b) Something my husband's grandma orders from the Dim Sum menu.
c) A nickname for the rider most recently kicked out of the tour.

When someone is “smockin” they are:

a) Sporting a red plastic smock and eating paste in the back of the kindergarten classroom.
b) Hot, tall, dark, and handsome.
c) Really bad at spelling.

Blood doping is:

a) When you replace your blood with the blood of someone really stupid just to see what it’s like to dumb yourself down for a day.
b) Something you might try on a Saturday night.
c) Apparently a good way to win a stage.

When do you "see the wizard":

a) At the end of the yellow brick road.
b) After a set of 12 x 25 no breath, no touch the wall.
c) Right before you pass out or pee your pants.

Butterfly is:

a) A type of insect.
b) A tattoo you might find on girls too scared to get real tattoos.
c) Something you swim for 400 yards at which point the bear jumps on your back.

Which set is worse:

a) 16 x 200 on 3:00
b) 6 x 500 RI:30
c) 60 x 50 on a descending interval

12 – 25 is:

a) Christmas Day.
b) Something you might be looking for on Mt. Palomar.
c) Only half of what you’ll need for Alp d’Huez.

PBR is:

a) Something that feeds my love for cowboys and chaps.
b) Something Tim uses to build tin can pyramids in his kitchen when he should be training instead.
c) Something you might ask for if Schlitz isn’t on tap.

Pencils down. Books closed. Red pens out.

How did you do?

Pass yourself or fail yoursef, we work on the honor system here. If you passed, then bring out the shot glasses because tonight the sports drink is on me.

If you failed, well, I'm sorry but perhaps try another blog. Of course, you could just keep coming back. You might learn a thing or two. Heck, you might even find yourself wanting to go run a mile.


Bill said...

But does it have to be sports drink? Nothing wrong with a good shot now and then. ;)

Anonymous said...

Looks like Miss Daisy is around for the long-haul! Passed w/ flying colors - earplugs and all. :) JH

Brenda O said...

Oh, I think I failed! Oh well. I am going to keep reading, because every once in a while I get mentioned in the blog and I like learning more about this stuff, and reading your latest achievements. I am the pear martini drinking scooter driving, pit-bull owning girl in the 25 steps to a Saturday night blog.....
Keep up the great blogs Liz!
Brenda O

Bob Mitera said...

Your definition of Power Tap is priceless.

Alicia Parr said...

Top of the Class baby!

I'm in...

Mira Lelovic said...

That was the best test I've taken in the past 2 years (and the only one I've aced). You've got writing talent AND speed!

Anonymous said...

I'm confused - so ATP is a bar where I can buy Pocahantas (she's smockin'!!!) some PBR and get some nook-nook in the hurt shoppe?

- Red Bear