Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Husband Blog

Last night, Chris asked what it would take to start a blog. “Does it cost anything?” he asked. No, I told him, it’s free. Anyone can start a blog.

So I told Chris to give it a try - post on mine and see how it feels. I let him busily type away. Here it is, Husband Blog:

First I would start with the Liz Forecast: Liz was bitchy today. Tomorrow - 70% chance of rain which means 70% chance that Liz will bitch.

Last night I was poked all night long because allegedly I snore. Even though when Elizabeth sleeps her snoring is louder than mine. When I brought that I up – that she snored – she said “did it keep you up all night” and I made the mistake of saying “no” to which she said “exactly – yours keeps me up, so therefore you have to make yours stop” I told her I had a deviated septum. She told me to “fix it”.

Liz goes through her closet with 400000 shirts and pants and tells me she has nothing to wear. It is not uncommon for me to leave Liz in her closet wearing one outfit to come back minutes later and find she is wearing something completely different.

I have done several performance improvements to her ride, also known as her machine. Sometimes she can ride with a month without realizing the change or "improvement". Invariably she tells me to put it back the way it was. Then when her friend Greg tells her to change the exact same part I just un-changed, she says to me “change it right away”.

I changed the cables on Liz’s bike yesterday. She wouldn’t ride it. I bought the most expensive cables out there to make her bike more aerodynamic. She rode her road bike instead. And then demanded a wheel change.

Speaking of road bikes, Liz has had me sell at least two of her bikes when they got upgraded to newer models only to desperately try and buy the old again because she really felt more at "one" with the one I just sold.

Liz says she is hungry all day long. When I ask her what she wants to eat she doesn’t know. This happens over and over again.

Liz is a repeat offender. Case and point – she likes to eat peanut butter half a jar at a time. Then she will swear off peanut butter. Then she’ll say “I feel fat”. The next month it happens again. This has been going on for the past seven years.

All I want sometimes is a scoop of ice cream. Little did I know I married someone that believes the suggested serving size on the label is "Entire Box".

In general, I will fill all the water bottles, get Liz’s bike out, pump up the tires, rack it in the van, making it so all she has to do is get her shoes and helmet to be ready to go. Then she’ll sit there and yell at me to get my ass moving because I’m moving too slow.

Liz and I like to cook together. She will make a mess and help me clean it up. But if there is a pan that I used more than her, she will put away everything else but that pan. That pan will sit there for days untouched. I still don’t understand that.

Liz insists on driving my old car with 130000 miles. It has a shaky transmission, horrible blindspot and it is covered in scratches from bike brake levers. The interior is basically a giant coffee cup. You could lick the seat and get a buzz. I keep asking to buy her a new model of the car and she says “no, the new model looks like too much of a sissy”.

Don’t get me started on the coffee thing. We have a cupboard full of coffee mugs and about six different ways to make coffee at our house. Plus a cabinet full of coffee beans. And then Liz says “I’m bored with the coffee here.” I don’t understand. My co-workers have been drinking Folgers for the past 15 year and Liz gets tired of a bag of beans in less than 3 days.

Sometimes Liz tells me that a bag of coffee beans is disgusting and then says “here, you can have this” and I’m like “gee thanks”.

I would like to do Liz’s laundry but she won’t let me. She tries to act all sophisticated about laundry loads but I know she just dumps the basket, calls it a load, and puts the machine on wash.

The bed making thing. If you are going to get back in it why does it have to be made?

One time I was sleeping in the other bedroom and Liz started yelling at me because she didn’t want to make two beds. So I went back into our bedroom the the next night she kicked me out because she didn’t want to hear me snore.

Here’s how a century ride goes with Liz – she gets antsy in the beginning, then she gets whiny, then she cries. Then she settles into it and is a pleasure to ride with, for the last 10 miles. Then immediately afterwards, she wants coffee - back to whiny.

I pulled Liz on one century last year. I told her I wanted to go on my own and pick it up for the last 20 miles. She said no way – you pulled me 80 miles you’re going to finish it by pulling me all the way.

The first open water swim of each season I know that Liz will take about two strokes before she has
the look of seeing a SHARK in the water on her face. (psst – we swim in the lake)

As I read this, I realized this was more Husband Rant than Husband Blog. But that's ok - even husband needs an outlet sometimes.
Afterwards, I asked if he wanted to close with a comment that he still loves his loving wife. He said he’ll pass.then he patted me on the head and said he had nothing but love for me. You think?


Brenda O said...

OMG! At first, I started reading this and I thought Liz was going to pose as Chris, and write something pretending to be him. But I know Chris, and I can say, with 110% certainty, this is Chris, and I nearly PEED reading this, OMG, too funny.
Liz, he does love you, he just needed to rant.
Thanks for the laugh Chris!

erin w said...

omg - I think this is what my boyfriend would write about me if I told him to try. Good lord, hilarious. Glad I'm not the only sometimes emotional coffee freak tough chick out there! Good stuff

Bill said...


That just summed up all of the ELF blogs that I've read, just from the other side.

Chris definitely needs his own blog. :D

Julie said...

And this is why my husband is not allowed to know the password for my blog :)

Alicia Parr said...

The Crumpler and I agree-- all time funniest blog post ever.

Applejacks said...

You guys need to take this show on the road! Better than Sonny & Cher any day.

hak said...

Chris...the laundry issue is universal among all husbands. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. If we do, it's wrong (I need a check list with photo IDs of each piece of clothing to see which gets put in the delicate cycle, which goes in the mesh bag, which goes in the dryer, which gets hung to air dry, etc.) If we don't, we're lazy, SOBs.


Bob Mitera said...

Chris - my wife told me on Saturday that her sinus was painful and she had a terrible sinus headache. I went upstairs to get her a few things to make it better. When I returned minutes later, she had her iPod on, Weather Channel on, was reading a book and rocking in a chair. I guess the sinus couldn't have been that bad. I am glad to see that we aren't the only couple with these discussions! cleansing breath

Ashley said...

ha ha ha.... Ok, I laughed through the whole thing! Then, re-opened it to read to Peter. He got a kick out of the post... but, then got really serious. Chris, he wants to know what aero cables you just put on Liz's bike?

Pam Sinel said...