Saturday night, I had a plan. Dinner out and then - it gets better than that - a little Home Depot around 9 pm.
Why? Well, we were garbage can shopping of course.
Remember the garbage can? The world’s rankest garbage can that Chris sent hurtling down our driveway with the power washing hose? Yes, well it still smells. BAD. So bad I don’t even want to put my garbage through something so traumatic and foul.
Time to buy a new garbage can.
Enter Home Depot. 9 pm. Saturday night. What kind of people are in Home Depot, 9 pm, Saturday night? Two people training for Ironman and many other poor men who probably had been staining the deck or painting the house and after hours of work were probably told that they didn’t get the color or the tint just quite right.
And two spry thirtysomethings en route to buy a new garbage can.
Garbage cans. Where oh where would you be? By snow shovels and household cleaners, light bulbs and plants. Garbage cans – there they were an entire rack of them. Standing tall and proud. Green, tan, black.
How to choose?
You do what any woman in her right mind would do – you take them for a test run.
Chris is looking at the different cans, comparing how they are made, how many gallons they will hold. Myself, I get right to the point. I do what they will need to do best. Wheel them up and down.
I look up and down, see my choices, choose a nice tan one that holds a large amount of refuse that seems like it should be measured in something more than gallons. Half tons? Kilojoules? Knots? Who knows, I grab the handle, pull it out from the shelving unit, and proceed to take it for a spin.
Saturday night, I’m walking the garbage can up and down the aisle. Because really that’s what counts. You have to wheel it down the driveway and back up again and the way it rolls must be exactly right. Can’t be clunky or oversized, can’t have a gimpy wheel.
Ah, this one rolls nice. It is smooth. It seems fast. Aerodynamic? It’s your call. But it rode like a carbon frame and had damn good acceleration to boot. I pick up the pace, wheeling it faster, taking it back and forth, may have even shouted WOO HOO when I look to my right to see a man by the vacuum cleaner bags turning his head and looking right at me.
Uh oh. Sorry. Got a little carried away on a Saturday night. And yes, this is what Ironman in training athletes do for kicks. And yes my husband probably should have thought twice about taking me out tonight.
Roll the garbage can slowly back to it’s corral. Slowly. Put it back in it’s corral. No sudden movements. Walk away from the garbage can.
“I like that one,” I said pointing to the one that is tan, with aerodynamic qualities and wheels built for speed.
Fine, permission granted to spend household money on one chosen garbage can. And now, for the price.
FOURTY FIVE NINETY NINE? For a garbage can? For something I will put my garbage into and once a week wheel to the curb? Is it really made of carbon? Do I get a fancy helmet to put on too while walking it down to the curb? Because I don’t know about you but $45.99 seems like an awful lot for a garbage can. And the worst part is that was the cheapest one.
We talk it over and we decide that maybe after all we do not need a garbage can. I go home and look at the city website. Perhaps they will give us one of those fancy 2000 gallon cans with the flip top lid and 808 wheels that everyone else on our street seems to have. But no dice. We’re talking $69.99 on top of a monthly service fee just to pick up the trash.
This doesn’t seem right. It’s trash. We don’t make a lot of it but what we do make is really smelly so won’t you please help us out.
Fine. We’ll keep the old can. Chris says it will soon be winter and anything smelly in it will just be frozen away from months anyway. I don’t believe it but I think for now it will do.
The next day, we were turning towards our house. Pulling up the driveway, Chris notices something by the curb.
“Is that the wheel from our garbage can?”
By god I think it is. I think it has gotten so bad the wheels are coming off. Literally. And so, if you’re wondering what we’ll be doing after Ironman, we will be returning to Home Depot, putting down $45.99 for the best damn garbage can the least amount of money can buy.