Friday, January 04, 2008

Hot Coffee Hotline

You can have anything delivered to your home – except coffee. Why?

Think about it – newspaper? Delivered. Pizza – delivered. Furniture, shoes, power bars – delivered. Mail – delivered. Lobsters – can be delivered. Cheap affordable promiscuous women at a low low price – can be delivered too.

But coffee? Can’t be delivered. You need anything else you’re set. Need coffee? You’re screwed.

Now that I have become the crazy woman that never leaves her house and sits inside all day with the curtains drawn I find myself often longing for coffee. Sure, each morning I brew 4 cups that I am determined to drink. But sometimes even the best plans fall through. I’ll pour a mug and then get wrapped up in something that puts my mind somewhere else. A little bit later, I go to drink from the mug and I’m horrified. The hot coffee is now cold and the cold coffee tastes like crap. So I dump the mug, pour another cup. And it happens again.

This is both a blessing and a curse. It means I am busy, very busy, and all you naysayers that think I am sitting at home watching Oprah in my pajamas all day with my only task as trying to find the bottom of a coffee cup – back off. I haven’t turned on the tv yet. Nor have I found the bottom of the coffee cup. Or gotten through a full pot (of four cups).

I find myself, 10:30 am, about 25 percent caffeinated. Dangerous place to be. Actually more dangerous for my husband than anyone else because he has to deal with the fallout when he gets home around 5 pm. At this point of critically low caffeination I have two choices – clean the now soiled coffee pot or go out.

So that’s where I found myself today. 10:30 am, not fully leaded and not really interested in brewing another pot. Laziness? Sloth? That’s your call but perhaps you should first meet my coffee pot. It is called the Cadillac. It is silver, sexy, and brews a mean cup.

But with sexiness there is always a cost. First of all, the grinder is getting so worn it keeps getting stuck. To pull it out requires brute force that I am convinced will result in me tearing a bicep or losing a finger in the blade. The filter is also an angry contraption – you press a button and out it pops and retracts kind of a like a Hungry Hippo mouth waiting to snap your finger. The pot itself is the best part – there is nothing hazardous about the pot except it doesn’t really fit in the dishwasher

Which means you have to hand wash the pot and all 100 of its pieces. No one should have to work that hard for coffee and certainly not more than once a day. It defies the whole point of having a vice. A vice is guilt-free pleasure. I added the guilt-free part because I also feel ice cream is a vice and I’ve never consumed a gallon that’s guilt-free. So I turn back to coffee. Guilt-free, enjoyable, warm vice. The way it should be.

I sit here this morning thinking to myself there is no way I am cleaning that coffee pot. There it still sits on the counter dirty from this morning and I dread having to get up and take it apart. It drips, it stains the white sink, and no matter what it never looks or smells clean.


There has got to be a better way.

There is, it’s called going out. I sat and thought about it for a few minutes. Going out for coffee actually means leaving the house. I’m not sure I’m that committed today. First of all, it’s cold. Second of all, that requires putting on real clothes. Third, it’s really cold.

What to do?

Fine, I’m going out. But I’m leaving on my pajamas. And I’m taking the dog. Come on, Boss, we’ve got heavy work to do. We’re going for coffee so grab your pink blanket and get in the car. We drive over to Dunkin Donuts and soon have coffee in hand. As I drive back I know with Boss I have made the right choice because he’s licking my coffee cup.

This dog has very good taste.

Back at home I’m feeling a little guilty. I just drove to get coffee – consumed resources, spent money on something that I could easily do if I had stayed home. But there’s worse things I could have spent my money on. Like having someone else deliver groceries to my house, or live lobsters, or an escort for all of my escortable needs (if she puts away laundry, cleans up dog poo, and is willing to take down the Christmas decorations she’s in).


All would be solved if someone would just bring coffee to me. You see, here’s where it would help to have a phone number – a Hot Coffee Hotline if you will to call to bring coffee to my home.

In a slow-roasted, richly caffeinated moment of desperation I would call. Only after several previous attempts at caffeination were made. No, I wouldn’t abuse the hotline. I wouldn’t call just because I had no one else to talk to all day except for….my dog. I would only call after an attempt to brew coffee with the Cadillac and if that doesn’t do the trick a second attempt with the French press and if that doesn’t do it I would call the Hot Coffee Hotline.

Could you imagine the conversation:

“Hot Coffee Hotline answering your caffeinated cries with a hot cup of help, how may we help you.”

COFFEE. I need hot coffee and I need it NOW. Size medium, dark roast, and fill it up – ALL THE WAY. When you approach the door please do not ring the bell because it causes my killer 6 lb Chihuahua to bark and run like mad around the house. Just leave the coffee outside the door and slowly walk away. I will spare you the view of me in my cupcake pajamas and will throw you a five dollar bill instead.

They would be right there. Not just with coffee but with some cream and those little stir sticks too. Sticks for the dog. And then I sip my home delivered coffee in front of the Cadillac just because. To make a point. I will not be beaten by you machine. I will get my coffee either way!

Fresh off my brilliant idea, the next morning I woke up and told Chris it would really help if I could have coffee delivered to the house. It was negative 4 degrees outside. So cold there was still snow on our shoes left in the garage. So cold there was snow between the front door and the screen door. So cold you have to crawl into the car from the back door because the front door is frozen shut.

And who wants to brave weather like that for coffee? Not I. Not when you could have it delivered to your home. I go to grab my phone when I realize it was just a dream. The coffee hotline is not real and I am sad.

I go downstairs, settle for the Cadillac. Which makes a cup of coffee I really don’t like. But I drink it anyways. I am a martyr and will drink it just to spite all of the Cadillac’s complexities and detachable parts. To spite, you hear me. One day I will win!

But in the back of my head I will secretly wish for the coffee hotline. It may take awhile to catch on but then again did you ever think you would pay more than $4 for coffee in a fancy paper cup?

Neither did I....

7 comments:

Train-This said...

You need the Krueg. I just traded in the Cadillac for this, and I love it. Use your own coffee or use one of the cups you can buy for it. Have a fresh cup in 40 seconds. Control the temperature. NO CLEANING unless you use your own grounds and even that is easy.
Have a small, medium or large cup. Refill the water chamber every other day.

IT'S HEAVEN!
:-) mary

LoveOfShoes said...

Totally agreed- I have a Senseo (similar in that it brews one cup in about a minute) and it's the best thing that happened to me since....anything!
New poster, long time reader.

IM Able said...

Yes.

That's exactly what Boss needs.

To be drinking your coffee.

Well played.

nickbrown said...

I have solutions to your problems!

First, you can keep your coffee cup warm all day long: check out the USB Café Pad from USB Geek. I saw it in a blog post not too long ago. The site (http://usbgeek.com/prod_detail.php?prod_id=0195) says its sold out, but another site (http://www.perpetualkid.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=1708) has it in stock!

Now, even better: You CAN get coffee delivered! Your local cab company will deliver you coffee any time - normally they charge only the distance traveled between the coffee shop and your house!

Hope this helps - anything to keep you caffeinated :)

Cheers,
Nick

PS thanks for writing one of the most entertaining and interesting blogs out there!

Alicia Parr said...

I've got it. Here's what you do when you set down your piping hot cut a joe-- you set one of those kitchen timers for 5 minutes (or whatever you deem the ideal cooling time) and put it next to your coffee mug. Beep beep beep and to make that infernal noise go away, you have to go turn it off. While you're at it, have a nice sip of your favorite beverage and get yourself properly caffeinated.

Anonymous said...

why don't you BE the coffee hotline? There are a lot of people working from home now. Get your Engineer husband to rig up something in the back of a bike baby cart and you can get your bike miles in and make a little cash at the same time. On weekends you could show up at the Chicago Lakefront or certain Forest Preserves and hit the Triathletes finishign their group runs. Lots of good tax deductions too. If you marry it to high tech you can start your "rounds" at 9AM each day and know by text messages where to deliver. (-: You can use your dog as the logo "Yo Quiero COFFEE" and sell a bunch of mugs

Anonymous said...

why don't you BE the coffee hotline? There are a lot of people working from home now. Get your Engineer husband to rig up something in the back of a bike baby cart and you can get your bike miles in and make a little cash at the same time. On weekends you could show up at the Chicago Lakefront or certain Forest Preserves and hit the Triathletes finishign their group runs. Lots of good tax deductions too. If you marry it to high tech you can start your "rounds" at 9AM each day and know by text messages where to deliver. (-: You can use your dog as the logo "Yo Quiero COFFEE" and sell a bunch of mugs