Tuesday, February 12, 2008

True Confessions

Let me start by saying…..

I know what you’ve been up to.

I’m calling you out. I know what you’ve been up to during the indoor long rides. And not only because I am your coach or your friend. But because I know and feel your pain. I am sitting there doing the same. For that, I feel it is confession time.

I am shamelessly addicted to trashy television shows during indoor trainer rides.

(there, I said it. I have come clean. I can sleep again)

Honestly I never turn on the tv. Can’t stand it. EXCEPT, however, EXCEPT when I am on the bike. It is my weakness. I would say Achilles heel but then I would have to knock on everything wooden in my house to prevent injury to that tendon. I’m kind of a superstitious gal.

But I can’t help it. You see, in the past week I have done 3 rides upwards of 3 hours. There are only so many times you can sit and listen to your I-Tunes. After awhile they become the same tunes over and over again. And sitting on my bike in a dark room with no fan – now that’s just plain dumb. And if it means I will never win Kona well then so be it at least I will still have my mind.

When music or monotony of the pattern in the carpet isn’t enough for the long ride, I turn to television. But not just any television. No. You see, I have a taste for the trashiest shows around. Completely mindless, useless, utterly wasteful television that does nothing but eat away at my brain cells and steal one good vocabulary word for each hour that goes by.

Lately, I’ve lost a lot of good words.

But I know I’m not alone. Because I read and I hear about how you are doing the same. So I beg you to join me in the confessional. Don’t worry there is a screen between you and the rest of the world (literally, right?) that will keep your identity anonymous and relieve you of your shame.

So, raise your hand if you have watched the following shows:

America’s Next Top Model
Flavor of Love
Rock of Love

And, I cannot believe I am saying this publicly in an open forum…….

Keeping up with the Kardashians

I have just lost major vocabulary words. And points.

Yes, I admit it. I have a problem. And that problem is watching problematically inane t.v. These shows do nothing but prove that somewhere somehow two people are finding each other, figuring out how to use their private parts to make something that is collectively more stupid than the sum of their private parts.

I watch these shows and think to myself – I may be _______ but at least I am not THAT (that being whatever I am seeing unfold before me on the screen that makes me think oh no she didn’t). And I think that is why I watch. Because no matter how bad things will ever get for me, they will never look as bad as that.

Which is probably why I really don't understand the HOW. How do you get to the point where you think appearing on one of these shows would be a good thing. A resume builder. Something that builds character for sure. I mean, Chris could leave me destitute in the middle of I-88 with a hobo stick and my dog and still -STILL- I would not think gee you know what comes next, you know what I should do? Try to win Bret Michael’s heart.


Or how about - I have so much money that I think I will invite a camera crew into my house for proof that money can buy clothes, lips, hair, purses, and boobs but cannot – CANNOT – buy non-whiny voices and brains. Yes, at that point I would be keeping up with that one particular family for sure. Let's see - the whole idea of a television show about......really.....what is it about? Good looking girls and.....what? The stupid things they do! They did it to themselves! There is nothing to be learned from this show other than what we suspected all along - you can have millions of dollars without being worth much. Still I would totally trade my small dog and small chest for one of their purses.

Rock of Love. Bandanna. The man wears a bandanna. There are also women competing for this love that still hairspray their bangs. Enough said.

Flavor Flav. WHAT TIME IS IT? Maybe it’s because I grew up in Brooklyn but when I see Flavor Flav I just want to fight the power. Funny thing is that Boss has one of those retractable leashes that sometimes I drop when he’s waiting to go outside and it makes him look like Flavor Flav with the big clock around his neck. So we call him Tick Tock sometimes. What I don’t get though is how Flavor Flav went from fighting the power to fighting for cheap love from flaky women.

For as much as I find these shows senseless and stupid, I am grateful for the entertainment value they provide. Because without them I might find myself staring at a wall for 3 hours with no fan. Or watching Rachel Ray make something that I swear to god will take me 3 hours but her only 30 minutes...

Please don't leave me alone in my basement. I encourage you to admit your weaknesses too. Come out of your basements and confess your crimes. Find comfort in knowing that I too am a junk tv addict and I thank the Bret Michaels, top models and Kardashians of the world for helping me pass my time.


K.Michele said...

I'm with you. I'm all about Wife Swap (who thought it would be a good idea to switch the lumber jack wife with the burlesque dancer wife?) and the Nanny (if they showed it in homeroom teen pregnancy rates would drop dramatically!).

BreeWee said...

I confess:

*Rachel Ray
*Tila Tequila (I tell Jim I am in love with her then I put on my dumbest sexy pj's and pretend I live in that crazy house)
*The Bachelor (I even swam and biked with Andy B in real life!)
*Flavor Flav
*America's Next Top Model
*The Hills (very favorite)
*Rock of Love
*Girls Next Door (I want Holly for my sister and wear my Play Boy t-shirt during this show)
*The Nanny
*Golden Girls

ooooh, I confessed it all and I feel better... NOW it looks like I watch TV all day! I swear I don't, only when I am cooking, sewing, or icing my legs!

Beth said...

Guilty as charged!! Although I've not watched the other shows, I am addicted to America's Next Top Model and get this...I was actually DISAPPOINTED when I turned on the tv Sunday during my ride and it wasn't on!! My husband and I joined NetFlix just so we could get the early seasons of Grey's Anatomy to watch while riding!

But I have a theory - you see it's not our fault that we like trashy, senseless tv while on the trainer. It's just too difficult to process anything that actually takes thought while you're riding. So any movie that is hard to understand or follow - or ANYTHING thought provoking doesn't go well with pedaling - my brain can't handle it all! So trashy tv it is! :) Have a great day!

Kerri Robbins said...

Raising my hand! You forgot Pimp my Ride, Hulk Hogan's Best, Take Home Chef (he's so cute though),Big and Rob, The Life of Ryan, Cribs, Style Makeover, Clean Sweep....the list goes on. Reality TV addict with ya'. Perhaps, it's a way of keeping our minds off ourselves and delving into the drama of others while sweating buckouts over the trainer. Whatever...it does. It works.

Anonymous said...

First of all...I LOVE TV. Always have. It is on all the time for me, just background noise, when I am home. I am a HUGE reality show TV fan...and, I am SORRY, but it is a must when I ride my computrainer nearly everyday in the basement in this cold:
My favorite:
DIRTY JOBS w/ Mike Rowe (I just think he is HOT- i know...)
America's Next Top Model - I have even watched the marathon day while training and working.
The Kardashians - yes!
Scott Baio is 46 & Pregnant!
Keeping up with the Brady's
Oprah (but she is my fav)
I do NOT like Flavor Flav..ick...
I do like Bret Michael's
American Idol
Should I go on? No, don't think so...you get the point!
Jen H. :)

IM Able said...

FIRST i learn that all these women i admire pee in the pool.

NOW i learn y'all are watching trashy tv.

WHICH of course gives me liberty to make this list...

rock of love
american idol
Cops (bad boys, bad boys...)
any food network show
celebrity rehab (little known gem out there, ladies)

and, i've been known to abuse, um...i mean use...netflix for some basement riding. right now? season one of rescue me. last year? true trash in the form of nip/tuck.

take THAT brain cells!

Marit Chrislock-Lauterbach said...


Here we go. I confess - yes, I feel better. And now for "the list..."

-The amazing race
-The Girls Next Door (but I don't have a playboy tee.... hhmmmm... perhaps I should get one)
-Top Chef
-Iron Chef
-Ghost Hunters (and yes, I'm afraid of ghosts... I lived in a haunted house. But with this show, I'm beginning to understand them. So that's a good thing. It still scares me, though...)
-The News (this is the worse. Nancy Grace. She's so funny - she totally cracks me up. Am amazed at all the stupid things that come out of her mouth, and her funny expressions - but she's pretty amusing...)
I'm sure there are more. I DO enjoy Food network - but as I'm a bit of a disaster in the kitchen, well, ah - you get the point. I like Rachel Ray - but she seems too darn perky to be whipping up 30 minute meals. Not even breaking a sweat!

Who's next?

Mira Lelovic said...

Oh, my. It sounds like I am missing out on some good stuff. My one and only weekly show is Lost, and it's not a reality. Survivor and Biggest Loser are it for me and that's not on a regular basis. I basically watch Biggest Loser because I want to be Jillian when I grow up.

Cat said...

i was getting really scared that no one was joining me at the bottom of the barrel by mentioning scott baio is 46 & pregnant, but thank god ... i am in good company with jen. i mean come on ... he IS brooklyn (and i had 63 pictures of him on my wall as a child). not to mention ... he hangs out with jason hervey. oh dear lord. i understand why snoop dogg's father hood was left off the list ... i finally deleted the remaining unwatched shows from my dvr.
btw ... jeff is convinced that the bandana is covering brett's receding hairline.
thank god we've all come out and are basking in the glory of our brain candy!!
p.s. you KNOW how i feel about rachael ray "E.V.O.O., BABY!" and yet i still watch ... [sigh]

Kellye Mills said...

T.V. is a must in my household! I admitted it just recently. I even have on cartoon network right now and my kids aren't even here! Just because it's what I do...turn it on if I'm at home and then half the time I don't even pay attention to it!

My confessions:
American Idol
Golden Girls
The People's Court!!

Ok.. this one is BAD... but I LOVE it... MATLOCK!! (My husband thinks I'm some 60 year old woman!)

And my new thing...watching old t.v. shows on DVD like 24, The O.C., and Heros!

TrainingtoTri said...

yes oh yes oh yes! I have blogged many a type about my love of bad tv, especially VH1 celebreality. It's so awesome, they invented their own word for it.

I will also admit that I find Brett Michaels strangley attractive, even though he does lie about his age and always wear a bandana!

I love reality tv so much that I even read about it at tvgasm.com!

j. said...

i swear to the great holy moley in the sky, that i thought i was the only one in the world watching Rock of Love. i was embarrassed. shamed. i covered my mirrors to hide from myself. brett michaels? i'd say quizzically when somebody would ask as i tried to throw them off. wasn't he....um.... the guy in....uh.... Kaja Goo Goo or something?

yes, i know brett michaels. i watch him every indoor bike ride. i take out my poison CDs and hum unskinny bop to myself in the wee hours of the morning. i am fully cognizant that every rose does, in fact, have a thorn and that every cowboy for some reason feels compelled to sing a sad sad song.

rob & big (brilliant), scott baio (scary and stupid), anything on the food network (scrumptious)... i'm addicted.

i used to use my bike trainer time to catch up on my Netflix movies. but somehow i transformed into that guy that decides i'd rather put off watching a fascinating documentary about intelligent things in exchange for a half-hour fix of an aging rock star trying to determine which of the whorish, ridiculously ugly strippers that shove their tongue down his throat that he should fall in love with and spend the rest of his hair-receding life screwing.

ah, thank God reality is nothing like reality TV.


KayVee said...

A Law and Order marathon can keep me on the bike for hours. Others: Charmed, The Girls Next Door, Murder She Wrote, and almost anything on TV Land.

Ness said...

Wow. I'm astounded. So I guess I should be glad I only get one TV channel! Those shows sound a little scary, to be honest!

Jessi said...

I second IM Able - Celebrity Rehab rocks!
And what about:

- Celebrity Apprentice. I never thought I'd say this, but I like Trace Adkins. As a person. Not necessarily his music.

- Girls Behaving Badly (which is NOT what it sounds like - it's actually a prank TV show)

-Real World/Road Rules Challenge. I watch and think "I could do THAT! And THAT!" and then they start drinking and partying like rock stars and I think "Oh, but definitely a little too old and lame for that..."

Girls Next Door is awesome too, although for Kendra's sake I really really hope that's just an act, and that she is not actually that stupid.

Anonymous said...

3 different rides of 3 hours? Wow!!

Political junkie here. Ask me anything about Hillary, Obama, Huckabee, Mitt, McCain, Edwards.

Apple Fritter said...

I cannot turn away from Nancy Grace or America's Next Top MOdel, but my secret pleasure is when I find myself on a business trip, driving home from Wisconsin. There's a radio station near Milwaukee that broadcasts Judge Judy, and I've been know to time my appointments so that I can be in the area when it's on. My only sadness is that I can't actually see the people involved. And I don't know if Springer is still on, but I must confess that whenever I used to find myself in a hotel room (on business, of course) at 4:00 pm, nothing could keep me from Jerry and the gang.

Bob Mitera said...

My wife: Girls next door (!), Bachelor, Family Guy, Dirty Jobs

Me: Dirty Jobs, Family Guy, Mythbusters

I need a rodent to eat through the cable leading to the TV.

Lindsey said...

One more here...

I love to watch America's Next Top Model on the trainer, but only on the trainer. There is something about the mindless nature of watching anorexic girls making their life full of drama that makes me feel so strong!

Anonymous said...

Oh goodness, I often end up at the gym with the banks of TVs and I somehow never fail to watch either the news or something on MTV.

Come on, Made, or True Life: I'm ___ anyone? Though I will say I also can be conned into America's Next Top Model, or The Tyra Banks Show. Tyra's crazy, and it's funny.