The last day. The last bowl of oatmeal. This morning the coffee pot cried in fatigue. Thomas just started talking trash about today's ride which begins before 7 am.
Last night we confessed our weaknesses or had someone else point them out for us. Chris said I get chicken sometimes. I thought about it then told him I was going to sneak attack him on the hill, start clucking and say 'who's the chicken now, bitch.' Because it won't be me. I told Thomas I'm throwing down today. Putting it in the big ring and stomping up the hill. I don't care who I leave behind.
But Chris is right. Sometimes I get scared between where I am and taking the big leap to the next step. Whether it is pushing through burn to bridge a gap or fear of throwing up on a run. Training with others is a good way to chase and distract yourself from fear like this. You get caught up in keeping up rather than the risk of thinking what if; what if it hurts really bad; what if I throw up; what if I do it and prove that with my strength I can.
Sometimes that is just as scary. Your own power or strength. It proves who you really are. And what if you find out you do have a lot of both - power and strength. What would you do with yourself then? These are thought processes that sometimes hold me back. And for all my go go go there are times when I am afraid to take that next step. In the next few weeks I will work on that.
Everyone has a weakness and how fortunate for me I have others to point it out. But really if you had asked me I would have said the same. We all know what holds us back. We know because it faces you at some point every day. You get to a point and there it is - whether it is fear or poor nutrition or inconsistent training; your weakness has a way of showing up and showing through. You cannot hide from yourself.
Today that is my challenge in climbing these last hills. And since there is about half the glycogen required for my legs to go, I am filling them with massive amounts of coffee to power my strength.
Thomas just said I have never consumed so much oatmeal in my life. I would agree. And when I get back home I'm off the oatmeal for awhile. Off my bike. Off my feet. And over my fear. Because I'm going to leave it in the hills today.