Wednesday, May 07, 2008

The Dark Side

Today a most interesting e-mail came my way. It was from husband:

I’m trying to start a blog.

Oh dear god.

Train wreck or touchy feel journaling? Your call. But of course being role model nice wife I offer to help. Meaning, I created it for him. But in doing so I realized I probably just walked myself into the written equivalent of a bear trap.

I’m screwed.

Because up until this point you’ve heard only my side. My story, my point of view. Little did you know there is another 50%. We shall call this “the dark side” that I try not to write about too much. Because if you did you would lose all faith that I could pull it together at any point after so many tantrums, tears and other quirky out of control things I do at home. Like demand the power tap wheel on my bike. Or chase Boss around while calling him Noodlebutt in a high pitched voice. Or leave a mountain of clean laundry next to the bed for days on end. Or hide Chris’ personal belongings (his accusation, not mine).

I’m guessing that Chris got so fed up that he realized he too needed a voice. A little “Are you there god it’s me Margaret.” Chris is now Margaret. Actually I think he’s more of a Madge. And if he starts writing about the first day he got his period I’m cutting him from the blog roll immediately.

Honestly I think it's a very clever defense. A way to get back at me for writing so many stories about his basement. His bedhead. The hole in his mouth that can somehow hold lots of beer but lose lots of pieces of potato chips. Here come the stories about Liz eating a jar of peanut butter in less than 3 days. Or Liz quarantining Chris to the guest bedroom for breathing too loud. Or Liz insisting Chris not the use the towels that are the good towels. Stuff like that.

You can see I am wondering what he will write about. My husband doesn’t say much but I know there are many words in his head. At times they come rushing out all at once in a stream of sentence that I have to ask him to repeat. Several times. He’s a fast talker but I’m convinced only because he’s a fast thinker that is one step ahead of everyone else.

And now he has a forum for all of those words. And I’m curious to see what will be in his man blog. Probably his favorite things:

His friends
Talking on the phone
His family
Pumpkin Pie
Reading magazines in the bathroom
Proving me wrong
His parents dog Chewie
Wearing lots of socks each week
Mispronunciation of common words
(gigilo pronounced as giggle-o)

And I am sure he will also talk about his least favorite things:

Fixing my broken bikes
Convincing me that I am not ____________(fat, slow, crazy)
Coming home to find chowbox wife has eaten all food in house

But for as much fun as blogging is there are some things husband should probably be told about. Since 2006 when I started my blog, I’ve learned a lot of things about keeping a blog. So, to husband, I share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned in hopes that your blogging goes smoothly and stays fun:

1 – Don’t blog on company time. Chances are someone in the company will find your blog while wasting company time surfing the net and will tattle that you are blogging on company time. Keep your office misbehavior to calling the boss a chucklebucket behind their back, sleeping, making personal photocopies and stealing pens. And only do that on company time.

2 – Don’t say anything on your blog that you wouldn’t write on a postcard and mail to the entire world. Because that’s basically what you’re doing on the blog.


4 – Someone somewhere will not like something you say on your blog. It’s ok to remind them (a) it’s your blog, (b) they don’t have to read it, and (c) you really don’t care because it’s your blog and they don’t have to read it.

5 – Expect to receive at least one e-mail about how your blog is a shameless form of self-promotion. Uh, yeah, it’s my blog.

6 – It is a scary thing when your parents find your blog. It is even scarier when you start getting comments on your blog from your mom. Worse yet when your mom calls to ask if you’re still alive because you haven’t updated your blog in the past two days.

7 – You probably shouldn’t say mean things about your wife on the blog. Just sayin’.

8 - If during a race you catch someone cheating or drafting - though it’s tempting - think twice before posting it on your blog. First of all, it’s not your responsibility to teach someone a lesson. Second of all, if they were cheating they probably wouldn’t get the lesson anyways. Third, it has a way of blowing up into a full on blog war. If you do choose to do so don't forget your most powerful weapon - COMMENT MODERATION.

9 – Be yourself on your blog. If you cuss, then cuss. If you get poison oak in your ass crack, don’t be afraid to tell the world. Real bloggers can smell bullshit through the screen. There’s a lot of it out there. Don’t be one of the big loads.

10 – Know that once you start blogging the world of blogs becomes something you cannot
resist. Instead of reading the news in the morning you are reading blogs because what Rachel is doing in Hawaii is much more interesting (and important) than world news. It's ok to do this, it's even better to admit it. And in a few months if you know more about Rachel than the presidential election, well, around these blog parts - it's ok to admit that too.

In other words, welcome to the dark side – both to husband and other bloggers as he learns his way about blogging and you bloggers learn more about the other half of my world....

I better start behaving myself.

A work in progress......


Anonymous said...

Ok, this REALLY worries me. Now I have to read about how much Chris hurts, feels tired, fat, slow, hates his coach!!!! and etc. Haha. oh boy. I get to see the "dark side" of chris. excellent. Jen H.

Jen said...

How funny...I love reading both sides of the story!

rr said...

Giggle-o. Oh my. I'm going to have to say it that way forever now. At least you know it's probably not on his resume as a past profession, or he would know how to pronounce it.

I am excited to see the Waterstraat side of things.. but does that coffee contraption come with cardboard cups and sleeves? Does he realize that it won't satisfy you without? And you must have already gotten sassy.. he's posting about you. And your little dog.

KodaFit said...

Just got back from his blog...

The man has a gift! A storie is always funnier when you can read both sides of it.

Sally said...

Can't wait ! Liz... should I take issue with the Mom-thing - I love reading Ashley's blog?! Off to read Chris. Sally

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid to read his blog!!

Jennifer Cunnane said...

You are so darn freaking entertaining! Thanks for keeping me busy when I should have instead been as you said, checking emails at work or stealing somebody's pens.

BreeWee said...

ha ha... I am headed over to his blog right now! This otta be good stuff...

Hope you are recovering well and ready for your next race!

EAT DQ tonight... I give you full permission, you deserve it :)