Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Not That Into It

My husband is begging me to be a better wife. And by better wife he means keeping the house stocked with food. This is his only criteria I think. I could sit ragged all day long in the house in pajamas pants (ok, I do) and it wouldn’t matter as long as there is food in the house.

In his defense he’s not saying it’s my job to stock the house with food because I am a wife. It’s my job because he doesn’t have time. He commutes, works, and trains. I work from home and have the time. But when I look at all of the things I need and want to do during the day – going to the grocery store is not how I like spending my time.

I hate to grocery shop!

For that matter, I don’t like to shop at all. Plus I’m at the point where I also just don’t like to eat food. Athletes eat a lot of food. Trust me, it’s not the dream come true you think it is to have to eat a higher volume of food. Because it’s not like that volume includes sweets or junk. No that would be easy. You could eat a giant slice of cake, wash it down with a beer and call your calories done. But no. Instead it is the relentless search for good for you food. Which is not nearly as fun to shop for as cookies and cake.

But as quickly as food comes into the house, it goes right out via…well….via me. I am at home all day so I eat most of the food. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’m sitting with a bag of chips attached to my face all day. But I do eat breakfast. And lunch. And a late afternoon snack. And I eat peanut butter too. More than I should. All right I’m officially on peanut butter break until I can figure out how to eat it in quantities of less than half or full jar.

The other night Chris got really mad. When Chris gets mad he gets quiet and then he does something forcefully. He got mad that there was no food. Then he got quiet. His next move - he pulls out a pen and a pad of paper from the drawer with much force. Take that pen! And he starts writing a list – quietly. Opens the refrigerator, the pantry over and over again while forcefully scribbling things down in his handwriting that I can call a step above chicken scratch (which also makes me take the list not so seriously - this does not help in the category of points earned towards being a better wife).

I could only imagine what he was writing on the list; corn chips, lemonade, clean wife that puts on real clothes everyday. These are some of Chris’ favorite things. I believe the man could sustain himself for 30 days on corn chips and lemonade. I now feel the need to barf. But back to Chris – he finishes writing then deposits the list on the counter. And there is sat for a day. No one came by to pick it up. No magical food shopping fairy nor housekeeping staff.

I guess the list was intended for me. So on Wednesday I finally looked at the list:

Red sauce
Parmesan cheese
Pork chops
Ham steak
Sweet potatoes

I’m dumbfounded. I must be missing something. THIS is IT? THESE are the things he needs to survive? He kept opening the refrigerator door desperately seeking chicken, avocadoes and….ham steak? Of all the things you want to see in your house – why? Who craves bananas? That’s like saying you have a taste for oatmeal. BLECH! For goodness sake at least put something on there worth fighting for. Like ice cream or cookies or vanilla frosting or cake. Don’t fight me for a sweet potato and a pork chop. And biryani? Is there another wife that cooks around here because I have never made biryani in this house. And not to state the obvious but, I won’t even ask the difference between lettuce and salad – yet.

This is the difference between woman and man. A man generates a list of practicality. He has basic needs for survival that include bananas, bacon, ham steak and some leaves (lettuce or salad - your choice). A woman would generate a completely different list. For what is survival if you cannot enjoy yourself? And no one ever enjoyed themselves with parmesan cheese. So I pretend it was me scribbling a list with fury of the food I’d like to see in the house:

Chocolate Caramel Brownie flavored coffee – many bags
Very Vanilla Soy Milk – lots
Moose Tracks – at least two gallons so when I go through one I can replace it with super secret back-up gallon so nobody knows
Chunky peanut butter – several jars
Vanilla frosting – Pillsbury brand, the one with little sprinkles on top
Skim milk – so I can wash down spoonfuls of chunky peanut butter, nutella and frosting
Peanut butter cups – large tub from Trader Joe’s
Red wine – the good stuff, lots

I think that about covers it. And for nutrition, throw in a bottle of multivitamins.

On Wednesday I fail miserably again. I don’t go grocery shopping. I pull the “we are leaving in two days” card and just pick up a jar of sauce instead. He tries to tell me we will go out for dinner that night but I say oh no, I got your sauce. We are putting it on something. And we do. It wasn’t bacon or lettuce but it was flax pasta and that’s got to count for something good.

When I call out a request for the maid service to come into the kitchen and clean up the pots and pans that night (I keep calling, she never arrives), I think to myself that really I should try to be a better wife. Cook a meal. Do my hair. Keep my man well-fed. Better yet, use that 400 watt crock pot that I won at Steelhead. But, it’s no use. I'm just not that into it.

But then again, that crock pot was damn big. I bet I could get into it if I really had to.


Stef said...

I SO get you on the grocery shopping thing!! I can't think of any life chore/necessity that I hate more.

Truly. I can't.

Jen said...

Your list looks really good! Gotta love vanilla frosting for a late night snack :)

Christian Waterstraat said...

I spend 1.5 hours driving to an from work each day.

I need to spend 9 hours at the office.

I then spend typically between 2 to 3 hours working out.

If you put in the required 8 hours of sleep, I have a whopping total of 2.5 hours each day to get something done, which includes making and eating dinner.

So if a typical meal takes 1 hour to cook and eat, I'm down to 1.5 hours of free time at the house.

The wife then tells me to go do the shopping if I want to eat.


Anonymous said...

my shopping list:
7 cans of soup
apple yogurt

this is actually if i go shopping....i just eat out of chris's food cabinate at the office all day.


Anonymous said...

THIS is hilarious! THIS is totally me too! However, the catch: I LOVE TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING. I would choose to go IF I could. Jerome opened the frig last night and asked, "what is for dinner?" It was 7pm....we HAD just taken the kids to an Educational fair at school, book fair, ice cream social AND I was leaving in 20 min to SWIM at Masters. I have time to cook!!? I am the one who eats the food as well, but I have a TOUGH time fitting in my training, cleaning, full time work, cooking, KIDS, household stuff (hello, BILLS)...and everything else we do. I told you, I NEED A WIFE. That would change everything! Now, get shopping today!! :) Jen H.
PS And, I can NOT believe Chris' list....where is the fun?

Applebutter said...

Jen, I'm with you -- I LOVE to grocery shop! Funny thing is, now that I work from home, I seem to have less time to do that, or put the dishes away, or do any of the things I used to bitch at Troy for NOT doing when he was home all day. I mean, (I used to say) how f-ing hard can it be to take 5 minutes and empty the dishwasher when you are HERE all day, vs. me having to do it and be late for work OR do it when I get home after a horrendous commute? Now I know...

Cy said...

Is there a grocery delivery service in your area? I know a lot of people who use it here in the Twin Cites, and love it. Cooking doesn't happen in my house either. My sister in law did gave me a crock pot recipe book thinking it would help...Not yet!

KodaFit said...

While it is a little refreshing to know that I am not the only husband suffering through this, please offer the husband my sincerest condolences.

I would offer some advice, but I'm currently getting the "Silent Treatment" for trying to better my personal situation in this regard!

KK said...

Hey there!
I found your blog via who knows whose blog had the link and I love it! I've been lurking for a few weeks but just wanted to tell you what an inspiration you are to us age groupers. And you're funny, which is major bonus.

I totally relate to this post. It is so exhausting trying to think of healthy food to eat all the time. Especially for lunch, because I hate lunch.

Thanks for your wit and insight, I'll keep reading :).

Bob Mitera said...

I am also in this boat. As a husband with 8 happy years...Chris, just do the food shopping. My wife has a list which is similar to Liz's.

I recently took over shoping in a "friendly" (not hostile) takeover and we are eating better than ever.

There goes your 1.5 hrs. bro! Cooking and food shoping. Liz would get the cleaning. In our house you either cook or clean. A benefit to cooking.

EZnJ said...

Okay, my co-workers now think I'm nuts because I just let out a rather large Ha!!! of the yawp variety. I too have been lurking on the various CY-linked blogs and find yours well written and hilarious. Julie and I are always talking about eating better/healthier, that is, until I open the pantry and find two bags of M&M's, bag of candy corn, some Cow brand of ice-cream sandwiches (in the freezer)...all tasty and eaten by me too, but healthy? I can't complain too much though. She does all of the grocery shopping and lunch making and coupon cutting, etc. I'm a lucky man.

Cat said...

i don't seem to EVER be able to get the clean, folded laundry from the basket into the drawers.

as for the grocery shopping ... i make jeff go with me. double the pleasure, double the fun ... or should i say ... misery loves company.


Brenda O said...

I think we are living in the same relationship! I get "yelled at" if I go grocery shopping, after days of begging for a list, and come home with only food that I want (what I want is a hybrid of Liz's list and Chris's list, sans the huge amounts of meat). Anyway, I would "feel bad" if I didn't ask what he wanted 3-5 times before leaving, and still no response.
So I feel for ya!
One idea: PEAPOD! I make Bob look at the list (online) and add to it. Think about it..... $8 delivery fee may be worth is....

TriGirl Kate O said...

What is it with husbands expecting their wives to shower (and do their hair) everyday? Geez, hanging around sweaty in Lycra is my life since it doesn't make sense to get cleaned up just to get dirty again in 8 hours or less. My husband has started doing more grocery shopping, but of the quick errand kind, not the we're out of TP, qtips, and tampons kind. But he's also the one who can't live w/out ice cream in the house. I can't live w/out crusty bread and nutella!

Alicia Parr said...

Avocadoes, mushrooms and bacon? YUM!!!!

My sister in law lives in Chicagoland and uses Peapod home grocery delivery. I guess that's always an option.

Lorraine Palizza said...

Our husbands seem more similar by the day. My Chris also has that quiet natured "take out on your anger on the cabinet doors" thing going on. I also really do not like his lists. Who makes lists??