Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Oh Fudge

…except he didn’t say fudge.

He actually dropped the f-bomb more than a few times.

I'm talking about our good old governor, Rod R. Blagojevich (pronounced “not – to – be – trusted – with – his – mom’s – credit – card – let – alone – the – finances – of - the – entire – state – of – Illinois"). Maybe you – like me – have always wondered what the “R” stood for as you drove under his most brilliant invention – the I Pass lane.

Who knew the “R” in the middle stood for “ruh-roh”.

He is our new Illinois golden boy. Correction: our new Illinois f*cking golden boy. Why? Turns out he was *allegedly* (innocent until proven guilty despite giant report that is chock full of colorful language suggesting otherwise), that's right allegedly trying to sell Obama’s senate chair.

What? What? Like that’s wrong?

The seat would go to the highest bidder. What would be your bid? I bid 10 bucks just to sit in the chair. Does that count? Not enough? Fine, I'll give you 20 to rub my tushy in the seat for a minute. 30 if you'll let me sit there for more than a minute to feel all smart and political. Another 10 to shout something inappropriate into the microphone, something like I could get 150,00 bucks for this seat on Ebay.

Huzzah!

Applesauce informed me that maybe we have it all wrong. Maybe he was literally trying to sell the chair. Like you would sell a chair from Fenway Park or Wrigley Field. As in, here sat Obama’s ass now give me 150,000 bucks. Yeah, something like that. In that case I was thinking about selling my kitchen chair. As in, here sat my ass every day and though I have done nothing politically great – yet – just give it time. The worth of this K-Mart kitchen table chair will grow.

Trust me (wink, don't trust me because I am from Illinois).

Times like this I love living in Illinois. It's like a guilty pleasure because there is always something dramatically political and morally defunct going on. It is, after all, the windy city. There’s a lot of hot air blowing around and always something corrupt. If it’s not Stroger saying something he really shouldn’t have said but doesn’t know any better because he pays other people to know things for him and sometimes there is a delay….if it’s not him then it’s any of the other political wahoos that seem to stick to this city like shit to flypaper. Or is it flies to shit?

Can’t recall.

Anyways, so allegedly Mr. Governor decides that since Obama’s seat is now vacant he can maybe make a buck. A big buck. Otherwise how is he going to fund his campaign. Or his nonfat nowhip extra hot venti 5 shot decaf soy sugar free ginger snap latte. Not that he orders that drink but why else could he possibly need $150,000?

(thinking)

I know....hair care. Can you imagine how much money it takes to maintain his haircut!?!

Maybe he needed the money because he didn't really have the money he promised the state would give to the Olympics should they choose to come to Chicago. And for the record, I absolutely think the Olympics should come to Illinois as it would make for a great story not because of the sports but because of the fact that Chicago somehow would find a way to sell each of the Olympic rings to a different company which might explain why if they do come here you would notice the yellow ring is missing from all logoed wear – the just couldn’t find a buyer for a color so hideous.

If I may make a suggestion for how to spend some of the money Rod gets for the senate seat? Buy a big bottle of soap and wash his potty mouth out!

(and a new hairdresser)

The news broke yesterday. Federal agents showed up at his home and took him away. I believe he was permitted to change his clothes so he chose a lovely ensemble of a blue jogging suit before taking him away. Makes you kind of think that we should all have an outfit stashed in the back of our closet just in case federal agents stop by so we don’t make the mistake of grabbing a blue jogging suit. Despite that fashion faux pas they still allowed him to be released on bond. And the next day went to work? Wait, the same work that he was just accused of doing corruptedly?

As a side note: through all of this, you just know that Judy Baar Topinka is sitting in her non-north side home thinking:

What was he thinking?

In the past 24 hours, the radio stations having been going nuts with talk about it along with both local and national television. This is big news. Very big news. Especially since the President Elect is from Illinois. Especially since Chicago is one of potential hosts for the Olympics. Especially since nothing else other than the crumbling of our economy is going on so it was sort of time for something more fun to talk about.

Ding ding ding – thank you for fudging up, Rod!

I'm not usually that interested in Chicago politics because I really don’t live there. I live about 30 miles west of the city in Lisle. I grew up in New York City and have about .01 percent interest in ever living in a city again (read: no interest) because it reminds me of all street noise, unsafe even in your own backyard and large cages on the public school windows to keep the crazy people out.

Or to keep us kids in.

Lisle is not even a city. It’s a village. I have no idea what a village really is but I do know that it takes one to raise a child. Yet I’m not sold. I would rather take a concrete nap at the junction along I-88 where you decide if you are going to get into the express lane to Winfield Road or continue west on 88. In other words, I’m not going to take my chances. Lisle is too much of a ghetto town. I mean village.

But it’s close to Chicago and as much as I don’t like the idea of the city I sure do enjoy its politics. Most of all because Mayor Daley is in charge. I believe he – or a member of his family – has been in charge of the city since before Christ’s birth and will continue to rule until his return. If you are Catholic and that offended you, don’t worry. It offended me – as a Catholic – too. But it just makes the point that this guy has been (and will be) around for a really long time because that’s Chicago and that’s just the way it is. And because he says things like “that’s just silly” when interviewed about serious topics.

How fun is that?

When I tell people I’m from Chicago I’m always surprised what they say. Last weekend in Seattle someone commented about my Illinois driver’s license. “Go Obama!” the clerk said. “Yes, he’s our boy,” was my reply. Her reply, “He’s our boy now too.” I couldn’t tell if it was just a leisurely comment or if it was – as I heard it – a little passive aggressive. It made me want to pull at Barack’s left leg, give a big tug and say “no, he’s OUR boy” while she pulls just as emphatically on his right leg.

MINE.

That topped by a few years ago when Chris and I were on our honeymoon. We took a cab from the Honolulu airport to Waikiki when the cab driver asked where we were from. Chicago, we said. He then went into his best impression of shooting a machine gun a la gangster (not to be confused with gangsta) style while also driving the car (if you’ve ever driven from the airport to Waikiki you know that you don’t really drive you actually just crawl along at speeds you could probably just walk so mastering the whole driving and pretend shooting thing is quite easy). Then he says something about Al Capone and I look at him like – oh yeah, any street corner in Chicago you see Jimmy The Snake and Nicky Two Eyes with their guns. And by the way, when we get to Waikiki will you kindly point out where Gidget is?

Ah, stereotypes.

So back to the governor. Perhaps the most strange of all of this is that he was taped having these conversations in his own home. On his own phone (side note: I wonder if it was an iPhone?). The same one that you have to know – as a political official – is subject to being tapped? Don’t you think he would have taken this secret business to a phone booth down the street? But then again – when was the last time you saw a phone booth? Either way, he had to know that someone was watching, and listening. He might as well have started the conversation by asking whomever was listening in “can you hear me now?”

F*ckin LOUD and CLEAR.

If I may make a suggestion to the Governor. The next time you want to talk political corruption and sneaky business, you might want to consider investing in a new phone:


One that is not actually connected to something.

Just a thought.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure what the lesson learned is in all of this. Don’t lie? Don’t cuss? Don’t wear a blue jogging suit in public? Who knows. But I do know that I have learned this: you can get a lot of money for a seat. Or you can think you can get a lot of money for it. So I have nothing to lose. I am going to sell the saddle to my bike. Hey – my saddle is a f*cking golden thing, I don’t just give it away for nothing. Where should we start the bids? 10 bucks gets you a sniff of the seat. 20 gets you a lick. 50 for the saddle. 100 and I’ll throw in a seat post.

And if none of you will take it, then I’ll just keep the seat for myself.

12 comments:

TRIHARDCHIK said...

You are an amazing writer. I love reading EVERYTHING you write. I knew I had to check in today to see what your "take" was on the whole Blaggo (sp?) fiasco.

YOU have the best blog ever! Thanks for making me smile--again!

cat. said...

f*cking hysterical!

Spokane Al said...

Well, you always have Oprah!

P.S. Just a minor point - the Beach Boys are actually from Southern California (I wish they all could be California girls . . .).

Kim Ivey said...

f#&@ing hilarious...I have $5 on your saddle!

E.L.F. said...

Southern Cali, Waikiki - sun is sun when you live in Illinois :)

Cy said...

You crack me up- great writing ELF!

My commute would suck without your blog.

Maggs said...

great post. Reports are saying he knew it was coming. Do you think he picked out his "arrest' outfit ahead of time?

Pedergraham said...

1. I think Andrew just peed the bed he was laughing so hard.
2. He told me last night that he wanted to move to Chicago b/c I won't let him have TV here and he wouldn't need TV there to be entertained.
3. I had to grab (forcefully) the computer back from him...he kept insisting that if he scrolled up, he would find a picture of the governor's blue jogging suit. So, if you happen to have one of those photos handy, will you post it up?
Thanks for the laughs...

Laura said...

But the real question is, Is your governor more insane than the Memphis Mayor?

Biff Carbon said...

I'd be careful if I were you. Look where insightful, pithy writing almost got the Trib boys. Just when you thought nothing could make the Cubs world any darker, an editorial board gets on the bad side of the King of Illinois and the trickle-down ends up at Clark and Addison.

Blago ran River to River a few years back. It was probably the same blue jogging suit. The security detail matched. It was precious.

Thanks for the clarification on Lisle. We, in a neighboring burb, have often wondered how you folks will be affecting our property values...

Great post!

Applejacks said...

F*cking brilliant. I actually made Troy switch from the Bears game to the 10:00 news so I could see if there were any more developments last night. I'm hooked on this sh*t.

Bob Spory said...

Hot Rod's F***ing wife also has choice language! Reminds me of a mobster!?!

Good thing that in Southern IL we don't pay attention to who you Chicagoians vote in.