Friday, April 24, 2009

Not A Big Fan

I love Facebook.

It’s quick, dirty and helps me keep up with my 471 closest friends. Secretly my wish is to get over 500 friends. Actually, my wish is get to 1 friend above where Jennifer’s friend count is at so I can say “psst..I win” but she was in a sorority so there is no hope for that.

Recently, though, have you noticed a disturbing Facebook trend?

Groups. Groups of which you are supposed become a “Fan”. What is a fan? I suppose a supporter of the group itself. Baseball teams have fans, bands have fans, movie stars have fans. However, lately on Facebook people are getting all fanned up about…

Not so special things.

For example: sleeping. Wait – sleeping? Isn’t that a basic biological need? You can’t be a fan of something you need to survive – can you? What if you aren’t a fan of sleeping? What then? Where’s that group? Are they even alive? But if you do like sleeping, head over to Facebook, bring your pillow and carpet square to find a space on the Fans of Sleeping page. What’s going on there? All of the sleepy oversleepers and adult nappers join this group to talk about sleeping. Oops, they all fell asleep at the keyboard so not much got said.

God. You can join a group to be a fan of god. There’s a loaded gun. Where to begin. Is this THE god or god as represented by any name also meaning God. What if you’re a fan of Jesus but not God. Is Jesus God? Who is Jehovah then? Do you see the kinds of existential battles a group about God will have? This group will forever be at unrest. They will form separate sects for God, GAWD and OMG.

This battle will go on for centuries.

The other day I saw a group for Fans of Bonfires.
What about the fans of S’Mores? Can they join too?

Where is the group for Common Sense? I’d like to be a fan of that.

Fans of traffic? Fans of Losing Your Shoe On The Shoulders of Highways. How about Fans of Road Construction? I know they’re out there because I can’t think of any other reason why the bridge by my house has been under construction for 2 whole years.

Fans of Housework! Fans of Cleaning The Coffee Pot. Fans of Dryer Lint. Fans of Wives That Need Wives.

Fans of….Fans.

The ceiling kind. Not oscillating.

Fans of long lines. Fans of BACON! Fans of butter not margarine. Fans of breakfast for dinner. Fans of bedhead. Fans of showing up late for appointments. Fans of root canals.


Did you know you could be a Fan of Hugs (true). Let’s all hug each other through the…INTERNET!

Fan of Texting….that I can understand. But where are the Fans of Texting While Driving – those are the risky sons of bitches I want to know.

Fans of men that look hot in cowboy hats. (YEE HAW!)

Fans of Whining. Fans of Low Self Esteem. Fans of Anxiety. Fans of Harden The Fuck Up!

Fans of Plastic Sheets You Put Over Toilet Seats. Fans of Fans of Metallica (assuming the members of Metallica would join this). Fans of Fancy Lotion. Fans of McGuyver (very resourceful site). Fans of cleaning the litter box. Fans of Hangnails. Fans of BOSS! Fans of driving a mini van (HOLLA!). Fans of Nut-Free (not that nuts wouldn’t join it but at least they wouldn’t be allergic to it).

Fans of SEASONAL ALLERGIES (sponsored by Zyrtec).

Fans of CHAFING! Fans of Salt Tabs. Fans of THEY CANCELED THE SWIM (!) Fans of DRAFTING! (or pacing; different group, same purpose)

Fans of Find a Peanut M&M on the floor and eat it (I now know two women who could join this group).


Fans of sarcasm. Fans of mosquito bites. Fans of bunions. Fans of potholes. Fans of trash (any type; trailer, white, compactors…). Fans of my Chihuahua can kick your great danes ass (true). Fans of mail (postal, e and fan mail). Fans of Bad Haircuts. Fans of Bad Cell Phone Reception (let’s hear it – or not – for dropped calls!).

Fans of Functional Threshold Tests. Fans of Zone 5c. Fans of Not Leaving Zone 1. Fans of SRM against Fans of Power Tap. Fans of What the F Do You Do With All Of That Data Anyways. Fans of Peeing In Your Wetsuit. Fans of Transitions (take your time). Fans of BONKING! Fans of Not Wearing Your Heart Rate Monitor Even Though Your Coach Tells You To.

Just sayin.

Fans of Gelato. Fans of Paella. Fans of French Toast & Other Foreign Things.

Fans of The Vagina Doctor…..anyone?

Fans of Getting Audited By The IRS. Fans Of Not Needing Sex Anymore Because The Government Keeps Screwing Me! Fans of mortgage rates. Fans of late fees.

Fans of spending the night in the airport. Fans of speeding tickets. Fans of online driving school.

I'm a fan!

Here’s another that really exists: Fans of Flip Flops.

Is Bree Wee behind this?

Fans of Your Boss. Fans of The Copy Machine. Fans of Faxing. Fans of The Smell Of Office Supplies. Fans of 8 hour workdays! Fans of Commuting. Fans of Annual Performance Reviews.

Fans of JHC. Fans of THC. Fans of TLC. One letter off and you’re hanging with a whole different crowd.

Fans of Drivers License Pictures.


Fans of getting so drunk you wake up two towns over in the back of a stranger’s Jeep Comanche (Joe?).

Fans of not fans of pizza.

Fans of crazy laps. Fans of naked laps. Fans of getting lapped. Fans of sitting in someone else’s lap

And …this just in…logged into Facebook and saw:


Become a fan!

(5 of my friends are fans)

I rest my case.

(for now)


unathleticrunner said...

I agree! I think if Facebook doesn't clean it up, it will turn into Myspace. But in the meantime, I think I'll become a fan of runners Want to join?

IronMatron said...

I am behind you and Jen by at least 150 friends.
I need to get to work.
I'm not even going to comment on the fan shit.
except I guess by saying that I did comment on the fan shit.

Greyt Times said...

LMAO! Just 89 more reasons you won't catch me with a FB account. (yes, I counted)

Dave Jewell said...

Brilliant Post! Also enjoyed the post yesterday about Puck Buckets and other confidense builders. 500 fans, I thought I had a few at 170. I'm not even close. I do think there are roughly 30 friend requests that I'm not ready to accept. But other then Fans of, if I get asked to join other things like the other day the XXX club night I get a bit worried. That and my favorite friend Josh Cox. No I didn't sign him up because he's got a great body. Josh and I go way back but that dude is on Facebook hourly I swear! Almost as often as Fan invites if you can believe that. I love Josh he's one of the great personalities in running. We need people like Josh.
Anyway great post!

Maggs said...

I'm going to become a fan of not fans of pizza. That's more pizza for me. And of course I'll have to become a fan of grilled cheese.

Jenna said...

Fans of The Vagina Doctor…..anyone?
LOL. You are brilliant!!! Great Post!!

Alili said...

Watch out - the next thing you know a Fan of the ELF group will show up. ;)

D said...

I think if anyone was behind Fans of Flip Flops it'd be me - I wear them in the summer, winter, sun, rain... snow! YES I DO! :D

Benson said...

What a great post. I'm not on facebook and this will help keep me off it. thanks.

I am gradually becoming a fan of E.L.F. ONLY!

I'm a fan of fans who are not fans of anything.

Fan me, I'm overheating.

Wes said...

You forgot to mention there is a small fee for being a Fan of Wes


rr said...

I have more fb friends than you. But really, I only know like eight of those people.

If you start an ELF fan club, I will totally join. Just so you know.

Rob Chance said...

I could almost hear Andy Rooney's voice as I read this...LOL! Just his style.

Jennifer Harrison said...

HILARIOUS! Um, remember when you said you wanted more friends than me on FB? Hee hee...between my neighbors, GAMMA PHI BETA (GO), ISU roomies, HS, all the men I slept with, being older than you (elderly has its rewards), kid's parents friends, my brother's friends, my sister's is an uphill climb, FE. But, GAME ON.
Fun post. Um, I would DEFINITELY eat an M&M off anything AND HAVE. :)

TriGirl Kate O said...

I counted a few of those I'd join, but can't find them on FB. hilarious!

Jessi said...

I thought you'd like this:

Jumper 2.0 said...

I'm still waiting to become a fan of delusions of grandeur! Not the band (never heard of them) but the actual state of mind!

Terri said...

This smacks of an Andy Rooney segment on 60 minutes. Oh and yes, there are no less than 25 clubs, groups, etc. regarding Andy Rooney on FB. What a fun post!

Maijaleena said...

I am now one of your fans facebook! Did you only invite me to be your friend so you could beat someone in a friend contest :)

Sara Cox Landolt said...

Fun energy, good read, thanks for this post!