Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Dogscopes

Monday was a beautiful day for the dog park, sunny, 70 degrees, not a cloud in the sky.

(for those of you that did not join Fans of Boss, you should probably stop reading now because this is a post about Boss)

Boss and I arrive at the park – he can barely contain himself. First thing I notice would be two women sitting at the table in the small dog park. Small problem – there is no dog in the park. Pardon me but I find it a wee bit strange to be sitting in the dog park without a dog. Speaking in a different language. And there is one crutch propped against the table. It’s like some crazy foreign riddle that I can’t solve.

What were they doing there?

Meanwhile, Boss busies himself with his dog park work. Sniff, mark, poo, sniff, run, rest. Repeat that cycle for the better part of one hour.

Soon enough the woman with 4 poodles shows up. Have you ever met a woman with 4 poodles? Oddly enough she looks like a poodle herself. Crazy hair atop her head that hangs down like two shaggy ears. Last week she showed up with her posse of poodles and they bumrushed Boss until he laid down and succumbed to their force in numbers. From there, he played with Ruby, the smallest poodle, chasing her in mad circles around the park. Trying to steal her ball. Growling at her just because he can.

Then, a man arrives. He informs the entire small dog park that it is a beautiful day. The two Polish women look up at him like he is crazy. Hey, girls, at least he brought a dog.

His dog is named Bruiser. Bruiser busies himself with dog park work (see above). The man walks towards me.

Days like this are good for your bones.

He is right. We need the sun for a little vitamin D. Plus we need the sun for our sanity. Up until last week it still felt like winter to me. Seven long months of cold. I am getting too old, too ornery, too smart for life in Illinois for too many more years.

Why can't it be like this every day? he asks. It can. It's called SAN DIEGO.

Together we watch the dogs play. This is what dog park owners do at the dog park. We don’t say much, we just laugh occasionally at the antics of our dogs.

The poodles depart and it’s just me and Bruiser’s owner. Boss begins to do his fly bys on Bruiser. This is his way of trying to engage the dog in play. First he circles them in a few rapid fly bys. Then he pounces as if to say come get me. When there is no response, he just goes back to running crazy laps like he wasn’t interested in the other dog in the first place.

Is that a Chihuahua?

Yes, here we go this conversation about he doesn't look, act, run or sound like a chihuahua. I know. I got the world's only non-chihuahua chihuahua not otherwise specified.

Bruiser is a Silky Terrier.

Wait, there’s more….in true dog park strange man fashion, he begins to talk more….

Every 3 weeks he gets a haircut and every 2 he gets a bath….

He goes on...

I like a clean dog.

Let me just say if you are into strange man and you are single, you need to get yourself to the dog park. Now.

Bruiser is 22 months old, in a few months he’ll have his second birthday.

I tell him that Boss is also almost two, his birthday is in August.

Know what that means?

That he is not just two but 24 months old ?

He’s a Leo.

I just laugh.

I can tell you don’t believe in those kinds of things.

No, no…..it’s not that. I’ll play along with astrology as much as I’d let you read my dogs paw like a tea leaf or ask him to draw the next tarot card. It’s just that….

I’m also a Leo.

Now I’ve got his attention. He gets closer to me, his face lights up, he immediately has something to say:

That means what you like about him is what you like about yourself. And what you don’t like about him is what you don’t like about yourself.

I think about it for a moment. This is both good and bad.

In a second, I had assembled a list of everything I liked about Boss and everything he likes.

What I like about Boss is that he is small, feisty and adorable. He eats the same damn bowl of kibble every morning and acts like it’s the first time he’s ever seen it. He likes squeaky monkeys. He sits on the deck and watches the world go by. He loves to run. He doesn’t care what the other dogs are doing. He loves Chris.

What I don’t like about Boss is that at times he needs extra attention. His temperament can be off the leash. He is persistent with what he wants. He goes his own way. He sometimes cannot hold his poo. He will ignore you when it’s in his best interest.

I take a moment to think this through. And I decide that Boss and I are astrologically connected. You might think canine astrology is a bunch of horsepucky but you’re wrong. It’s real. How do I know? There are websites about it. And if it’s on the internet, you know it’s fact.

I pulled this off of Astrology Weekly:

Leo: The Boss-Dog

Holy heaven there may be some truth to canine astrology after all! THE BOSS DOG!

The Leo Dog is the monarch dog. In short, a domineering canine...if given half the chance. This dog sees himself or herself as a cut above all lesser species and will expect to be treated accordingly.

Of course Boss is a cut above the rest. He comes from royalty. I know so – his papers say it. His father’s name was Count Chocula Chihuahua.

Most Leo Dogs make for affectionate and cheerful companions, although they can at times be pompous and dogmatic.

Isn't it sort of assumed that a dog would be dogmatic?

This canine rarely knows what it means to be afraid and makes for an excellent police dog, relentlessly pursuing criminals, entering blazing buildings without a second thought and tenaciously sniffing-out bombs.

This is where you lost me. That’s complete dogshit. Boss would make the world’s worst police dog. All it takes is a dropped spinach leaf on the floor and he’d be on to a different task.

The Leo Dog makes for an exceptional guard dog but has one strange eccentricity...he or she is often deathly afraid of cats.

This is also not true. Boss is not afraid of Neighbor Cat nor squirrels, birds, or dogs 10x his size.

It appears that astrology – for canines or humans – is not grounded in – gasp – fact. That’s ok. Boss is still a king to me and together the world can hear us roar like the Leos we (sort of) are.

I spent a few more moments look up Dogscopes for Boss and found this:

What a Leo dog daydreams about: Starring in their own movie; becoming a rock star; being chased by the Paparazzi; starting their own doggie clothing line; performing in front of a sold-out crowd at Madison Square Garden.

And that is when canine astrology really lost me. Because I know (for fact) that Boss dreams about the dog park, bowls of chicken/pumpkin and broccoli, running in circles, car rides, the UPS man and bacon bones. NOT about his own line of doggie couture.

You might be wondering what happened to Bruiser and his owner. The conversation took a strange (even stranger) turn when he started talking about the type of clippers he uses to trim his dog every 3 weeks. I took that as my cue to scoop up Boss, say goodbye and walk away. In true Leo fashion, Boss and I decided we were too good for talking to strangers and went back to our royal carriage, the mini van, for a dreamy ride home.

5 comments:

Wes said...

How did I miss "Fans of Boss"?

p.s. I'm still waiting on my "Fans of ELF" membership card...

Benson said...

Boss is so cool. I lerve that he's a leo and fits most of those traits.

bark, bark, bark.

Dave said...

I also missed "Fans of Boss" :(

And Boss would make an excellent police dog, provided people were smuggling things inside stuffed toys. He can also go undercover with a plush goatee!

tribeaner said...

Liz -- you have a mini-van??

Sherry said...

Ha! Too funny! What am I going to do immediately after clicking on "Publish Your Comment"... dogscopes!