Thursday, October 28, 2010

All Access

With all of the recent Ironman hub-hub, I thought I might offer some assistance to bailing the WTC out of their latest announcement, the Ironman Access program. I’ve seen things flop before (box office opening of Gigli anyone?) but this flub is one of epic Hawi winds proportions. Someone in their office needs to be slapped upside the head with an iron skillet. Branded on their ass with a hot-Mdot-iron. At the very least, put in the time out chair?

After waking up from my Ironman mattress, weighing myself on my Ironman scale (it STILL lies), drinking Ironman coffee from my Ironman mug, feeding my dog kibble from the Ironman dog bowl, making myself breakfast and then taking my iron supplement, I sat down and gave this a good thinking.

True, the idea smells as wretched as Ironman perfume but I can think of a lot of things at a race worth paying $1600 for. And remember, it’s $1000 to get a better shot at spending $600 on the race itself. That seems like a hefty sum of money but honestly it’s just a branch from the money tree I planted in my backyard which, incidentally, in the past year has yielded me $175,000 just like all of my other triathlete friends.

Right?

Though it is obvious that Ironman knows what we as consumer triathletes need and like, I thought I’d put together a list of what I’d like for $1600 – just in case there is any confusion out there:

1) All open water to be heated to a comfortable and wetsuit legal 71 degrees.
2) Permission to wear a wetsuit with at least 10 millimeters of neoprene covering my entire body with the exception of three openings – 2 eyes, 1 mouth.
3) Acceptable to also use a pull buoy and fins if I feel like my wetsuit is not enough to save my life out there.
4) Personal kayak leading me in a straight line from buoy to buoy.
5)
Permission to swim only half the swim course because that should be good enough
6) Guaranteed swim cancel if it's choppy, windy, wavy - bottom line, swim: OPTIONAL.
7) Hot tub in the changing tent.
8) No time penalty should I choose to spend 30 minutes in that tub.
9) Hot celebrity of my choice assisting me in the changing tent.
10) Option to pretend like I cannot dress myself should I need his assistance.
11) Pancake buffet before I start the bike. With real maple syrup thank you.
12) My own lead vehicle on the bike. At predictable intervals, this vehicle may pull alongside me and offer a mussette bag filled with whatever I demand you to pack it with.
13) Coffee bar at the halfway point with bike-thru window. I want my drink waiting for me when I arrive.
14) Personal bike mechanic willing to change tires, fix dropped chains, tighten cables and simply ride the bike for me should I get tired or just not feel like pedaling anymore.
15) Contract with god to shift winds to all tailwind, both ways.
16) No rain on the bike – ever. If rain happens, helicopter to hover over me with tarp.
17) Newly repaved line to ride on the course OR someone to lift me and my bike over the potholes should they be on course.
18) Fresh shorts at mile 80.
19) Someone from the WTC required to sniff my dirty shorts at mile 81.
20) It goes without saying that I expect to not only be allowed to draft, but it will be highly encouraged.
21) No draft marshals. I know they don’t do anything anyways but I just wanted to clear up that I still don’t expect them to be there doing anything.

22) Penalty tent? PARTY TENT! Free beer stop!
23) Permission to throw trash anywhere I want on course. For $1600 surely you can afford someone to clean up after me.
24) Sport drink of my preference in pre-chilled bottles at every aid station.
25) Option to skip miles 60 to 90 on the bike just ‘cuz.

26) Showers in T2. With pretty smelling soap and a loofah. And hot celebrity from T1 changing tent.
27) 30 minutes to take a nap in a private tent before I have to start running; bed will be rolled down & pillow fluffed before I arrive.
28) Snack shop on run course that only accepts VIP Access cards for payment; special request that snack shop carry CheezIts.
29) For each portapotty I enter on the race course, it will actually subtract 1 minute from my overall time; I never thought it was fair to get penalized for being born with the need to poop more than once a day.
30) VIP porta potty that only opens upon swipe of my VIP Access card. This porta potty should have indoor plumbing, breathmints and someone to wipe my ass with triple ply Charmin (I’ll never get stuck wiping mine with cardboard roll again!).
31) If the volunteers could pour cold water on me but not get me wet (blisters, chafing - no thanks!) – that would be great.
32) One of those fans blowing cold water from a firetruck hose following me from mile to mile.
33) Foot massage and pedi at mile 13.
I want to look fabulous (!) when I cross the finish line.
34) Permission to skip miles 18 to 24 on the run because they hurt and I really don’t want this to hurt.
35) Marching band playing motivational song of my choice while following me on run.
36) Which reminds me – I need to wear my headphones on the bike. How the hell else am I supposed to make it through 112 miles!
37) Someone to lead me by bike on the run course (after that many hours you expect me to know where I'm going!?) with option to hop on that bike for a ride should my legs get tired.
38) Personal Iron Sherpa who will not only complete the race with me but will provide up to the minute status updates and tweets for my social media accounts.
39) Pulitzer Prize winning author willing to ghostwrite my race report.
40) Which brings up my next request – if they’re going to write about it, why don’t they just do it for me?
41) Coaching from Ironman world champion of my choice. If they could also just do the training for me that would save me a lot of time. Uh, I'm really busy.
42) Mike Reilly to create a sense of anticipation and intrigue about my arrival to the finish line at least 30 minutes before I get there.
43) Special finishing chute where I can run across the line with my chihuahua, my kid, my husband, my mailman, my 3rd grade teacher – actually just send the invites out to anyone who has come into contact with me for my entire life.
44) Guaranteed finishing time under 10 hours pre-engraved on medal.
45) Personal catcher, hot celebrity of my choice, who should also be willing to carry me across the line. Wait - scratch that. I'd like an employee of the WTC to carry me across the line. And then lick my salty ass!
46) Sponge bath from hot celebrity.
47) Smorgasboard of my food requests waiting for me after bath – ironically, none of which include one lousy piece of pizza. Huh.
48) Would it kill you to have a cold beer waiting?
49) Edible medals – I request peanut butter chocolate chip. If not edible, I will settle for gold.

50) Option to sit the day out in a VIP section of finish line bleachers if I don’t feel like racing. Call me to cross the line at 10 hours, ok?
51) Bragging rights. $1600 worth!
52) Someone to pee into cup for me when I cross the finish line. Not because I’m doping but because I really don’t like to wait.
53) A check for $1600 as soon as I cross the finish line.
54) Just mail the finishers gear to my house before I leave for the race. Size small.
55) Option to choose splits I’d like next to my name no matter what times I did.

56) Digital retouch including slimming, blemish removal, airbrushing 6-pack abs, etc to all race photos.
57) For an extra 10 bucks I can choose celebrity hot body of my choice to attach to my head on all race photos. OH WHAT’S ANOTHER TEN BUCKS ANYWAYS?
58) Permission to register for Kona because I am a celebrity. In my own mind that is.
59) Personal finish line parade with elves, unicorns, balloons, floats, a marching band - must be different band from #35 - and a red carpet.
60) At the awards ceremony, I reserve the right to be declared the winner of something. And I want a t-shirt that says so!
61) Automatic re-entry with 30 minute-PR for same race next year.
62) Free entry into the Fast Pass program which will allow me to register early for the 2012 Access program.

That should about cover it. But if you want to make another 400 bucks, give me access to adding to this list as needed on race day.


I'm in!

16 comments:

Molly said...

I was wondering how long before you'd chime in on this topic! As always, better than my wildest dreams :-)

GoBigGreen said...

Now IF they partnered with some major Airlines, say Delta, American or United (have they all merged yet?) and gave you FREE bike travel for a year inlcluded in that 1k, then they seriously could have me doing something other than laughing out loud.

greyhound said...

That is absolutely epic.

tory said...

The personal sherpa must also pack all my transition bags (come on, he can read my mind so he knows what I need at all parts of the race), picking up my bike from T2, collecting all Transition bags the day after the race, packing my suitcases post race, loading the car and buying all "finisher" gear at the Expo.

My Life and Running said...

Love it!

Brent said...

Apparently the MENSA members at the WTC have considered your gracious proposal and instead opted to rescind the Ironman Access program less than a day after launching it. They apparently move fast in the face of resounding criticism---or they couldn't get a decent insurance quote on hot tub liability for racers....not sure which explanation is more probable at this point. I think the rationale offered by the WTC president for the program's launch...to combat the nearly 3000 unused slots at ironman races each year is an interesting one. I fail to see how exactly the Ironman Access program would have prevented unused slots other than making it more expensive to be a no show on race day. For some folks it is simply unavoidable given the long delay between signing up and racing in most cases. I think many of the responses on the WTC's facebook page suggesting a transfer program for slots would more adequately address what the WTC president claims is the issue. However, since the WTC probably couldn't get away with 1000 dollar transfer fees I don't expect them to start instituting a transfer program anytime soon. I am also looking forward to seeing the triathlete community reaction to this debacle in the weeks ahead.

Pam said...

#19 is my fave!!

m said...

So funny! I especially liked 19, and 51, and 61!

Rachel Wasserman said...

LMAO... thanks for your input!!!

31 strikes me as particularly critical.

Jennifer Harrison said...

HA! I loved this - great one, Elizabeth!!!

Lindsay said...

OMG Elizabeth this is hilarious, I was LMAO through all of it! you should submit it to the WTC !!!

Mary IronMatron said...

THIS IS CLASSIC.

D said...

Hmmm... I'm not really sure what your position is/was on this topic.

jennabul said...

LOL....they should hire you as their marketing person.

Ryan said...

You've just gone too far this time ELF! I'm calling Ben Fertic and you are going to be in some serious trouble for trying to use WTC's Ironman brand in such a crass manner.

Can you help me spread the rumor that at packet pickup for future IM's, there is going to be a full body scan and for those with MDOT tattoos will be charged an extra $300 for trademark infringement.

So is your kid drivin' yet?

Alicia Parr said...

You are frigging brilliant! So creative.