Is
there anybody out there?
I’ve
sat down over a dozen times to write my thoughts. Blogs come to me at odd times – during the
quiet of a long run, the darkness of a late night feeding or the frenzy of life
as a parent of two young children. The
point is that these blogs, these thoughts which roll out so effortlessly in my
head never seem to return when I sit down.
I need a ghost writer. Who follows me around, records my thoughts as well as walks the dog, changes diapers, cleans showers, cooks dinner and since we’re making outlandish requests does any bike interval that involves the words V02max.
Anyone
out there? Anyone?
Another
year is coming to an end. What a
year. When I look back at where I was in
January and where I am now, a huge smile comes across my face. I did it.
Having my daughter was one of the most challenging events of emotional
endurance and strength of character.
From start to finish it was like a double Ironman of uncertainty, pain
and waiting. After having a specialist
tell me that “IVF would be a waste of your time, consider using donor eggs,”
well, to finally cross the finish line and hold her every day is better than
any medal, any PR, any “A” on a test, better than anything.
Also
goes to show the value of a second opinion, or, in my case a fifth opinion. Never, ever give up on your dreams.
One
day I will sit down and write about the process – it started in May 2013 and
ended in August 2014. In that time, I
put my body through the rigors of over 200 injections, drove over 3,000 miles
for appointments, ultrasounds and meetings, dished out even more in
co-pays. When I look at all of the
obstacles I faced and then overcame, head on, to get her, I find it hard to put
together any list of physical events that can top that feeling.
To
top that feeling – it’s the downfall of many athletes. We constantly seek the top or beat the time
before – whether we go longer, faster or do something more challenging – we
keep chasing. I realized, in the past 4
months of looking at Mackenzie, that nothing will top it. Nothing needs
to top it. If anything this year,
I’ve learned to just be. Just be
enough. Let this moment be enough for
now. This is how you feel contentment –
you accept and then you enjoy. I read
recently that chasing happiness is futile - it’s a passing feeling that you
cannot sustain. Contentment is
long-lasting.
2015
is upon us. It is in this year that I
will turn 40. 40 means so many things –
it’s so loaded in terms of how I view myself and how others view me that it’s
going to take the next 7 months until July 28th for me to filter
through to find the importance of
what it actually means. As I get older,
I realize I am more accepting of myself; my flaws, my idiosycrancies. I’m
quicker to acknowledge – heck, even announce them – and move on. I’m not
perfect. As a former chaser of
perfection, I’ve learned that the chase is empty and tiring. Life moves by without you as you keep running
in a circle chasing the most perfect version of everything before you let
yourself move forward. I was telling a
friend the other day that the joke of life is that as you get older, you get
more comfortable in your skin. But you
keep looking in the mirror and saying – hey, that skin is getting older, that
skin has wrinkles! By the time we fully love ourselves, we look in the mirror
and barely recognize ourselves.
If
I could go back and talk to the younger version of myself I would tell her to
love herself more openly, walk more proudly and never to stay home because of
bad hair, bad skin or anything else you’re convinced will be the first thing
people notice when you meet them. Be
yourself. Be awesome. Think, do and say so many awesome things that
people can’t help but notice that despite bad hair, bad skin, you are
radiant.
As
long as I’m randomly spilling out these thoughts I should share some of my
deeper thoughts about parenting.
Parenting kicks my ass every single day.
You thought ultra race pace mainset were hard? Hill repeats in the snow? Spend a day with kids and parent them. Some days I collapse in bed and have no idea
what hit me. I wore my FitBit the other
day and realized – in addition to workouts – I had climbed 18 flights of stairs
and walked over 5 miles. JUST FROM PARENTING! And that’s just physically. The wear and tear on my heart is even tougher
– will there ever come a day that I don’t cry when I drop my son off at
preschool? Or when he stands on the
sidewalk waving at the street sweeper?
Or will I be able to look in my daughter’s eyes and resist the urge to
want to wrap her up in an emotionally safe cocoon of warmth and love to protect
from mean girls, aloof boys and anyone else that tries to convince her that she
is anything less than amazing? On top of
all of that I’m supposed to function as a housekeeper, chef, dog mom and
wife? There isn’t enough coffee in the
world to fuel the existential battles I wage in my head on a daily basis.
Parenting
is, at worst, a nonstop blur of food service and sanitation. And yes, I went to college for this. Actually, I went to grad school. Parenting is, at best, the realization in the
middle of the storm of every day that these are your people. You
made them. They are all of your best
and worst traits wrapped into pint-sized bundles of cuteness, runny noses and
dirty hands. In short, it’s the best thing
ever. I kick myself every day asking why did I wait so long to have kids? What the hell else was I doing with my life? Sometimes I answer that question with deep
regret but realize it’s all part of the learning experience of life.
I chase my kids but I'm learning not to chase fitness. Don't chase fitness. Something my coach now
says to me. Easy to say, hard to
follow. I haven’t seen fitness since
September 2013. I look for it,
desperately, hoping to catch it off guard, throw a bag over it’s head and hide
it in my basement! Funny thing about
fitness is that it sneaks up on you. One
day you’re out there slogging along, the next day (when you least expect it)
the Garmin buzzes and the pace makes you squeal inside. A pace that used to mean your fitness was a
little rusty but these days means you’re one step closer to the faster version
of yourself. My body has slowly started
to regain it’s “normal” in-shape shape.
Compared to having Max, I’ve gained fitness and lost pounds much
quicker. Maybe the body has memory. But more likely, I never sit down! Chasing around the older kid and caring for
the little one means I’m constantly moving.
Speaking
of triathlon: It’s been a great year for my athletes and my business. I’m grateful to have a job that is
challenging but that I look forward to every day. And it’s an every day job. It should be.
You’re trying to get to know what makes athletes tick – what motivates
them, challenges them and improves their fitness. Improving fitness is the easy part! Stress + recovery = fitness. There’s no such formula for figuring out the
emotions, motivation and intangibles that make that athlete capable of
believing in and using that fitness when it matters most. That’s the art of good coaching.
The
results? I’ve coached athletes to PRs,
AG wins, podiums, overall wins, world championships, nationals championships, etc – all of that is great proof of the efficacy of the work we are doing
together. But it doesn’t show the
value. That value is hidden in the
breakthroughs of workouts where the athlete realizes they can do something they
didn’t think they could, that they could dream big, that they are finally “a runner”
or that they moved up a lane at masters – hell, that they felt brave enough to
go to masters in the first place. That’s the good stuff. That’s why I continue coaching.
I’ve
got some races on my schedule for this year.
I’ve set some big goals. But I’m
trying a new approach – it’s called taking it day to day. It’s the only way I
can survive (and thrive) in my life right now.
I like my routines and structure.
Two kids and a business?
Sometimes chaos prevails. I’ve
learned that all I have to do is get through today. And then get through tomorrow. And if I can string together day after day of
this new definition of success, I’ll be in a place much further ahead than
where I started. I don’t worry about
missing one day or ‘blowing it’ because I get the opportunity to start over
again tomorrow. Like I said earlier, I
no longer chase perfection. I
can’t. It’s exhausting and a huge relief
to finally have admitting that I can’t keep up.
I don’t want to run that race.
This
entry was the random
thoughts that pass through my head while making it through every day. Snippets of the things I’ve realized after
living this life at a speed that sometimes I am not sure I can maintain. So I’ve learned a few things – asking for help
isn’t weakness, it’s survival. Doing
things all by yourself isn’t strength, it’s how you burn yourself out. Comparing yourself to others isn’t how you
make yourself better, it’s how you lose sight of the awesomeness inside of the
unique bad ass person you really are.
Perfection isn’t necessary, it’s over-rated. And the new year? It’s not going to be better because this past
year was bad. It’s going to be better
because that is the beauty of life.
Every day you get to experience it is better than the day before. That’s not wishful thinking or being
positive. I don’t believe in any of that
– just believe in embracing the reality of what’s in front of me after spending
years wasting time or chasing outcomes or running races that in the big picture –
didn’t matter.
Happy
new year, hope you spend 2015 living, loving and being yourself…!
